My name is Jessamyn.

My name is Jessamyn, although most people call me Jessie most of the time.  I turned 40 last August.  (When I started writing online, I had just turned 30.)  I'm married to a guy named Geoff, who's 6 years younger than I am.  He's also Canadian (from Halifax, Nova Scotia), and a musician and composer.  We met on the internet in 1998, moved in together in 2000, got engaged in 2001, got married in 2002.  Our older daughter, Katie (Kathleen Matilda), was born in March 2004.  Our younger daughter, Annabel (Annabel Patricia), was born in May 2008.  I have joked to Geoff that we should have a child every leap year, which would mean that we're due for another in 2012, although I think in actuality these two will be the only two kids we'll have.  Sometimes I really want another child; sometimes I feel like two is already more than I can competently handle. 

Our kids are blonde and blue eyed, beautiful, energetic, creative, talkative, challenging and wonderful. It's a cliche, but absolutely true to say that they are both my greatest source of joy and my greatest source of frustration.  Katie is in first grade and is a really excellent reader.  (Actually, right now she's excellent in all of her subjects - her first report card came home with one grade of 98 and the rest 99's and 100's.)  Annabel is currently attending all-day preschool Monday through Wednesday, and is doing well, although a couple of times when I have dropped her off she has cried and reached for me, which breaks my heart.  Today is only her third week of preschool; we'll see how it goes and adjust her schedule if that seems like the right thing to do.  I will admit that I feel guilty, having time to myself while she's "suffering" in school; I don't really think that she's suffering (she clearly likes school quite a bit, most of the time), but I do really feel guilty.  One of the things I've realized about myself over the past year and a half or so, while I've had time to think and over-think every gosh darn aspect of my life, pretty much, is that I have a terrific ability to feel guilt about almost anything, but especially about my kids.  No, I mean it, I show real talent in that area. 

I went to college at the University of Kentucky after graduating from high school in 1988.  I graduated with a bachelors degree in theatre in 1992.  In 1993, I moved from Lexington to Chicago to pursue a master's degree in Theatre; I took all of the coursework, but didn't finish the degree.  In 1995, I enrolled in Northwestern's law school.  I graduated and was admitted to the Illinois bar in 1998, the same year I met Geoff. I started working as an associate at a law firm in the fall of 1998, but left that firm in May 2001.  In August 2001, I started working as in-house counsel for a title insurance company in its claims department.  I worked there until March 2009, when the company closed the entire department and laid us all off.  The big reason I've had so much time to (over)think over the past year and half is that I've been unemployed since March 2009. 

In addition to realizing that have a tendency to feel guilty, I have also had the following epiphanies-that-really-shouldn't-have-surprised-me: 1) I desperately seek approval, not only from those I respect and care about, but really from pretty much anyone; 2) I can't stand for anybody to be angry with me; 3) I dream big dreams, but I have a hard time taking real risks, especially when it comes to dreams about any of my career aspirations; 4) I feel like I always need to have a project to work on.  I am working on these things.  (It would appear I have a lot of work to do.) 

In 2005, Geoff and I bought a condo in Chicago for over $200K.  When I had been working at the title insurance company, Geoff had been getting a doctorate in music composition and staying home with first Katie, then both Katie and Annabel.  He also had a part-time job as music director of a Lutheran church.  My job provided the insurance benefits.  After I lost my job, we both started searching for full-time employment.  In the spring of 2010, Geoff was offered a full-time job as music minister at a Methodist church in Fort Wayne, Indiana.  In July, we moved into a rental house here in Fort Wayne, and Geoff started his job.  I am still collecting unemployment, although my unemployment runs out on December 11th, at the end of this week.  Coincidentally, our condo is scheduled to close at the end of this week - the buyers are paying $60K. 

Moving to Fort Wayne has been an adjustment, but it hasn't been as difficult for us, at least in some ways, as we thought it would be.  One nice thing about Geoff having a job at a church is that we have a built in group of people who want to welcome us into their community (as opposed to a job like the ones I've had, which wouldn't have resulted in any friends or community for Geoff or the kids).  The girls have made friends there.  Geoff and I are making friends there, I think.  We love living in a house, and we love having my family closer than they were - my dad & stepmom, brother and his family (his girlfriend and my niece and nephew) are all less than an hour and a half away in Kokomo, and my mom is about the same distance away in Muncie.  We used credit card points to buy a GPS for me around the time of my birthday, so I've been exploring, learning my way around Fort Wayne and the surrounding area.  I've visited a lot of nature preserves, in particular - they're a good place to take photos, even if Annabel is with me (since she can't wander into a street or in front of other people and get hurt).   We miss Thai food delivery, and Ikea and Trader Joe's, and our friends.  But an amazing thing about Fort Wayne - amazing to us, anyway - is that the cost of living is so low that we can live on Geoff's salary, if we need to, while I figure out what I'd like to do and how I'm going to make some money. 

For now I am planning to try to pursue at least part-time employment as a photographer.  I've spent a lot of my unemployment taking photos of people - individuals and families and other groups, and even some weddings - and places - and when my unemployment runs out and the new year begins, I want to really try to make it work as a source of income.  (There are a bunch of various photos here if you'd like to browse through them.)  I admit that there is a part of me that feels foolish about all of this - being a licensed attorney with huge amounts of student loan debt, trying to make money doing something at which I'm not at all trained.  There is a part of me that feels like I made my choice to be an attorney, and I should have to stick with it.  This is related to the same part of me, I think, that feels guilty about Annabel being in preschool while I am at home eating bonbons writing and cross stitching and cleaning house and shopping and cooking and planning and editing photos and learning to play the piano. 

These are my current projects:

    learning to play piano (I have a book for adult beginners that I'm working my way through)

    making Christmas cookies and candy (to give away, mostly)

    cross stitching a Christmas stocking for Annabel

 

I am left handed.  I drink a fair amount of coffee, a larger amount of diet Coke, and quite a bit of water.  (I pretty much always have a beverage going.)  I am compassionate, and believe that that's one of my best qualities.  I love to bake cookies or cakes or pies, but I'm starting to contribute more regularly to our family's meal preparation, now that I'm the stay at home parent.  My husband is my very best friend.  I really enjoy painting - rooms, I mean, not pictures.  I don't speak any other languages, but I wish I did (potential new project?).  I sing in both of the church's choirs here in Fort Wayne (one for each of the two services).  I love to read but don't do it nearly as much as I used to (see also: going to the movies).  We have a dog named Molly, who's a ten year old mutt, and seven cats, which is kind of a long story, and which is also way too many cats.  (I hear them destroying things right this second; four of them are seven months old.)

There is more - of course there is more!  I'm 40 years old, after all!  But this will have to do for now.  It's time to go make some candy, or cookies, or something.  After that, it will be time to pick up Annabel from school, and then Katie, and then bring them home and get them a snack, and start working on dinner, and finish folding the laundry and doing the dishes, and put away the mostly empty containers of Christmas decorations that came up from the basement, and maybe read some books and sing some songs, and maybe bake some cookies.  And after the kids are in bed, I will probably cross stitch while Geoff and I watch Battlestar Galactica (the new one - season 2.5), and then I will go to bed. 

I'd love to hear from YOU in the comments or via email, especially if you're one of those people who's been reading my writing for a long, long time.  (Thank you for that, by the way.  I am grateful.)  All favorite Christmas cookies and candy recipes are welcome; even though I have plenty of recipes already, I always like to try new ones.

Comments

[Natalie L.]

I've been reading you for a long time, since 2002 or 2003. I'm glad you're back. :)

[Monquito]

Still reading, since the days of diary-x! I think I started reading your journal there in fall of 2000 or spring 2001. And still rooting for you to find even more happiness. :) And thinking, from the distance of Boston, that living in an area with a low cost of living sounds pretty good, especially if it comes with a bonus reduction in population density. Fav cookies: ricotta http://www.christmas-cookies.com/recipes/recipe199.ricotta-cheese-cookies.html

[Violet U]

I am still here, still reading, and still around from the days of diary-x, too! :)

[tawnya]

I've been reading for a long, long time. And I love that your name keeps popping into my google reader. So many of the people I've read since "way back when" have stopped or changed so radically I've stopped.

Merry Christmas!

[Beth]

Hi there- so glad you are writing again. I've been reading since diary-x days, too. Before Katie was born. My twins were born in Feb 2004. One of my biggest memories from your old journal is the story of how you met Geoff. At the end was a picture of the two of you (I think from the weekend you met in person) and the smile on his face! I still get a little teary when I remember it.

Thanks for writing. So glad I have google reader...

[Rebekah]

I've also been around since diary-x, and am really happy you're writing again.

[Emily]

Me too (or seven, I guess.) I've been reading forever and think of you as a longtime friend. Your talent for insightful and articulate writing is eclipsed only by your talent for inspiring and artfully-composed images. Keep living and keep telling us about it!

[Jodie]

I'm glad you are writing more. My husband's family is from the ft wayne area so I know the geography so to speak.

I usually make hard candy at the holidays--I use the recipe that comes with the lorann oils. boring, I know but we like it.

[Lise]

I'm so happy to "see" you again. I've been reading since you were newly dating Geoff. It's hard to believe that Katie is so grown up.

[lisa]

I've been reading your journal for a long time too- probably since 2002- I remember when you got married. :)

Are you from Kentucky? I am from Louisville, KY and still live here now. I went to the University of Louisville for undergrad- came very close to going to U of K instead.

You gotta tell us the story of the seven cats. I've been enjoying the photos of them on flickr, and I am a crazy cat lady myself, but I only have 2. I'd have more if I had the room!

Looking forward to hearing about your adventures. I've commented before- I am a professional photographer, and I started my business on a shoestring budget 5 years ago, so I've been through it all- good times and bad times in business. After 5 years, though, I have a steady stream of income, so it is possible! I am not a traditional photographer with a studio- I make most of my money doing contract work with photography/graphic & web design for companies and by teaching photography. It's a great, flexible field to be in- I wish you all the best of luck!

[Jamie]

Still reading you and love it! I emailed you a while back to check on you when you had not written anything in a while, but I think I got the wrong address or something. Glad you're back and love reading what you write. I can relate in so many ways. Sending love and support and wishing you all the best.

[jayme]

Hey Jessie. I am so happy to see you writing here again. I relate to a lot that you write about. Especially the guilty part. I am the same way. I beat myself up over everything. I'm way harder on myself than anyone else. Why do we do that to ourselves?!

[Megan]

Yay! You're back! I've been haunting your page starting at the awesome picture of Annabel at Target, hoping that all was well in your world. Lots of changes afoot, I see. I am so pleased to hear that you are in a home that feels more like home to you, but absolutely floored by your condo's sale price difference.

You're one of the first bloggers I discovered on the Internet oh so many years ago, and so glad to see that your gifted, articulate voice is back.

[J. Fife]

I've been reading your journal for a very, very long time. I was in the professional world when you were. I had a baby not too long after you had Katie. I was a working mom. I'm now unemployed and drifting aimlessly, asking many of the questions that you are asking.

OK. I didn't mean to sound like a crazy stalker. I just feel like I've been able to relate to you for a very long time. Your writing has made me laugh, cry, really cry and sigh at how delicious it can be. So glad you are back!

[Elizabeth Crafts]

How are you paying off your condo mortgage if you owe maybe $150,000 and the sale price is only $60,000?

[Jessamyn]

Ah, Elizabeth Crafts! Are you visiting from Slacker Talk, by any chance? We're not paying off our condo mortgage. The lender has agreed to accept proceeds from a $60K sale toward what it's owed (which is actually quite a bit more than $150K). It's called a short sale. The bank has appraised the condo and decided that these proceeds are acceptable to them - I don't know the precise algorithms they use when they make calculations about short sales, but I assume they've determined that they are going to net as much or more from the short sale, overall, than if they foreclosed against us (which would take them a lot longer, although they've already started the process).

[Melanie]

So glad you are writing again! Been reading for a few years now and you were one of the first bloggers I started reading.

[Amy]

Also been reading a long long time. I have you bookmarked and check in every once in a while. So glad to see 4 entries! And so much good stuff happening for you guys. My daughter is in 1st grade as well... I started reading your blog before you were pregnant so as you chronicled that experience it was mirroring my own. Now I have a son who is 2 as well.

thanks for writing again! and good luck with the photography.
Amy

[Emmavescence]

Hello! I'm still reading through the magic of RSS feeds and Google Reader, and I'm another one who's been here since the diary-x days :) Ever since you were nominated for some kind of blogger award, and I've een hooked ever since. It's great to have been reading for so long. I remember the posts about meeting Geoff, and your wedding, and wanting children and then being so happy when you got pregnant with Katie, and then had Annabel as well. It won't help just by me saying so, but you shouldn't force yourself to do a job that you don't enjoy. You've not really enjoyed working as an attorney as long as I've been reading, and you find joy in photography, so if at all possible it seems that you should pursue photography. A happier Jessie will be better for your whole family, as well as for yourself :)

[Kelly]

Whoa. I don't know what made me think to look you up. And here you are. I have been reading since jeeez... one marriage, one divorce and one child ago on my end... and well, you know what you've been up to in the last ten years. Lovely to hear from you.

[Jess]

Hey Jessie, so great to see you writing here again! I've been reading you for years and years - I still remember when you and Geoff got engaged, so I guess I must've been around since 2000 or 2001. I'm glad things to be taking such a good turn for you and your family - please keep writing! x

[Vanessa]

Wonderful to see you writing again. I've been reading for years (since before you got engaged, at least). Am 40 myself this year and asking similar questions (no husband or kids but also no job) so I empathize. Sounds like your move to Indiana has been a good one. I hope things continue.

[Leslie]

I am a longtime reader as well, I remember when you were living with a roommate and contemplating whether or not to date Geoff because he was younger than you? (It's been a long time, I might have not gotten the exact story right...) I live in KY, up in the corner, near Ashland, and I have messaged you before but it's been ages and I'm sure you probably don't remember. I so enjoy reading your blog, you have such a way with words. Googled "internet persona" to find you again because I couldn't remember the website. LOL

[Katherine Gray]

Hello, hello! I'm also a longtime reader. I think Rob introduced you. I just saw you pop up in Twitter. I'm happy to see you're friend with Erin, who I now cross paths with professionally. Such a small, small world.

I've known you've had a hard time of it lately, but I see you coming out on the other side. You've always struck me as someone who knew what was actually important, and it sounds like you've come through this with that notion firmly intact.

I love your photos and I think you can absolutely make a go of it professionally. I think you already have!

[anya]

Another longtime reader here from your old blog, many moons ago.. This entry feels like a reacquaintance with an old friend.. look forward to reading more!