I can't wait

It's 1:50 in the morning, and I can't sleep.  My head is stuffed up, my right shoulder (which for some reason is the only side I can easily fall asleep on - even though once I've gone to sleep I can sleep on either side) is stiff and sore, my eyes are bleary.  Helloooooooo, last few weeks of pregnancy!

And hello out there to anybody who's still reading!  Since I'm up, I thought I'd let you know that I'm ok, I'm still pregnant, and the pregnancy is still going fine (very well, actually).  My due date is still May 29th (30th if you ask my doctor, but in my limited experience, they can't handle compensating for leap day, so they're a day off).  I've been feeling really good. Mobile, fairly well-rested, not too uncomfortable, not too bloated.  And then we hit the 38th week.  And now I'm getting really swollen.  I'm not sleeping well.  During a large portion of each day, I'm uncomfortable no matter how or where I sit.  I remember this from being pregnant with Katie - I guess the good part is that with Katie, I am pretty sure this started at least a few weeks earlier.  (Let's just hope I don't go a few weeks overdue this time.)  Also, the mysterious and incredibly painful RIPPING sensation that developed in my shin (and then shins) when I was about 6 months pregnant with Katie has recently recurred.  This means that getting around is even more awkward than it would be just with the huge belly, since kneeling causes me pretty severe pain. 

All of this said, don't be fooled into thinking I'm unhappy.  I'm actually not unhappy, not at all.  I'm irritable, I'm uncomfortable, and I'm exhausted.  I'm basically miserable.   But not unhappy!  A week and a half ago Geoff and I went on the half hour tour of the birth center at the hospital where this baby will be born (and where Katie was also born).  First of all, let me just say how strange it was to realize that I had very little memory of the actual details of the place; despite the fact that my time there was overall a few of the most memorable days of my life, I had no idea which room Katie had been born in, or where we stayed the next two nights.  A lot of this was because I hardly ever left either room, while we were there (Geoff remembered much more), but also it's possible that during the time I was there I was somewhat distracted by something more important.  Possible.

We went on the tour because it was short, and it's free, and to see if anything had changed in the four years since we were last there.  Not much appeared to have changed.  While we were there, we passed some people waiting to be admitted (the woman looking pretty huge and tired), and then a brand new mother being wheeled from labor & delivery to the "mother-baby unit" for the rest of her stay, and then, later, a woman and her brand new baby, in a wheelchair, waiting for her husband or partner or whoever was with her to pull the car around so that she could go home.  And when I looked at them - and when I think of them now - I got tears in my eyes, at how this happens.  It takes so long to get there (for some of us longer than others), and yet the actual transition from pregnant woman to mother & child is so short and amazing and monumental. 

It has taken us a long time to get to where we are.  We started trying to get pregnant in January 2006, almost 2.5 years ago now, and it's only in the past couple of months that I've started really believing (95% of the time, anyway) that we're going to come out the other side of all of this with a real live baby.  A baby!  I've wanted another baby so much for so long now.  Over the months (years) I've made myself miserable with the wanting, the hoping, the disappointment, the anxiety. I've felt like a failure and a cursed person, and I've felt guilty for feeling that way when I am as lucky as I am to have my sweet loving husband and my most amazing wonderful daughter.  I've tried to come to terms with the idea of only having one child, and I do know in my heart that if that's how things had happened, we would have been just fine.  But wow, did I ever want this baby.  Wow, do I still.  Do I ever. 

I haven't written any letters to the new baby the way I did to Katie, and my feelings about the new baby are wrapped up in a little bit of anxiety about how Katie will handle it.  I have faith that I will love this new baby just as much as I love Katie, but right now, with Katie on the outside and the baby in there?  I can't actually comprehend how that will happen.  On the other hand, I think that meeting and taking care of this newborn will be easier and more rewarding, in a lot of ways, than it was to first meet and take care of Katie, because I know firsthand what's in store.  That first year of Katie's life?  That was one of the best years of my life. 

And so, second child of mine, if you are reading this someday, I want you to know how much you were wanted.  How many tears I shed about the idea that I might not ever meet you.  How overwhelmed I am at the thought that I will meet you soon.  How happy your whole family is going to be to see your beautiful face for the first time.  How much I'm looking forward to being your mother, this DESPITE the fact that this time, I know what I'm in for (well, sort of - more than I did with Katie, anyway).  How certain I am that you are going to be my one of my very favorite people in the world, and how often looking at you is going to make my heart feel like bursting with how much I love you.  I do love you already, the same way I did Katie - but this time I know how much bigger this love will be when you're born than it is now.  This time I know that the best parts, by far, are yet to come. 

I plan to be on leave from work for the entire months of June and July, and part of August.  Geoff is finishing his doctorate and graduating in June, and then will only be working his part time job as music minister at a church (which only has one service in the summer, and only one night of choir practice each week).  We are taking Katie out of daycare a couple of weeks after the baby is born - in the fall, she will start half-day preschool.  The next few months are going to be a real family summer vacation for our brand new family of four, and I should tell you: I can't wait. 

Comments

[Joanne]

Ooh I am crying! I was just where you are a few months ago. My son was younger than Katie, just 2.5, but he's doing okay with his new sister, who he just calls 'baby'. I wish you luck and I hope it's soon so that you can stop being so uncomfortable. I found so many things easier with my second, I hope you do too. Your experience with Katie meant so much to me when my son was teensy. I remember telling my husband when my son was very small about how you read that newborns are neither loving nor lovable. We used that as a MANTRA the first few weeks. So thanks! And good, good luck!

[Suzanne]

I loved reading this post. Glad to hear everything is on track and you're doing well. Fingers crossed for a short labor and easy delivery, Jess! Good luck and try to keep us posted to the extent that you can.

[Charlotte]

I am so excited for you, Jessie, and can't wait to hear stories about your new little one and how Katie is adjusting! How great that you get to take a lot of time off before the birth to relax and get everything ready and be with Geoff and Katie for a bit. Here's wishing you a short labor and a quick delivery.

And if you remember (or not) the few times that I commented on how excited I was for your pregnancy: Guess what? I'll be re-reading your blog to see what awaits me in December, because (tadah!) that's when my baby is due. Yay!

[Jessamyn]

Thanks, you guys. But oops! I didn't mean to give the impression that I get to take a lot of time off before the birth. I'm expecting to take off the entire months of June and July as well as part of August because my due date is at the end of May! So if all works out as planned, I won't really have any time off before the birth at all. Other than Memorial Day weekend, I guess. And congratulations to you on your own pregnancy, Charlotte!

[cas]

I can hardly wait for you guys! And for us!

I totally get what you are saying about loving, and wondering, and knowing that the love will be there.

[Rebecca]

Congratulations to you and your family! I am excited to hear all about the new baby once the baby gets here!

[jana]

Yay! So glad to hear from you.

Hang in there these last few days. I know that's easier said than done...

[Laura]

It's so wonderful to hear from you! I'm so glad things are progressing well. I'm really looking forward to the birth entry! :D Take good care, and HUGS. xoxo

[dana]

PLEASE DO NOT KNEEL. There is nothing on the floor you need! I'll GET IT FOR YOU!!!!

[Shawna]

Ah the home stretch... isn't it cool? I'm so glad you posted again before the birth! Good luck!

[JennB33]

I know exactly how you feel..... My due date with #2 is TODAY and I am READY-READY-READY for him to come out and become a member of our family. It's exciting and also a little frustrating, I have no control as to when it will actually happen.

Good luck to you! I hope your baby comes on the due date - Only 12 more hours of my official due date, then he's royally late!

[Nikki]

Congratulations on your precious new baby!!! She's darling :)