Hope

I don't know where to start.  I didn't mean for so much time to pass before I posted again, but from the last time I posted until just recently, it has been a whirlwind of busyness, celebration, grief, recovery, exhaustion. 

On September 18th, the same day as my last post, I took a home pregnancy test that had a second line so faint I thought I might be imagining it.  On September 19th, I got a darker line.  A couple of days later, one that was even darker.  Since then, I've had bloodwork and an ultrasound and exam at the doctor's office.  I'm pregnant again.  About 10.5 weeks right now, with an estimated due date of May 29, 2008. 

On September 26th, we celebrated Geoff's 31st birthday.  The weekend before his birthday Katie and I visited my Mom.  The weekend after his birthday, Katie and I visited my dad & stepmom, and also my brother and his girlfriend and my niece. 

On October 4th, Geoff's parents arrived to visit, and to be here for his doctoral recital on the 7th.  His sister Kimberley arrived on the 5th.  My dad & stepmom and Josh & Frankie arrived on the 6th.  The recital was a big success, with lots of our friends attending, and with everyone impressed by and/or proud of Geoff and his talent and skill.  On October 9th, his father and girlfriend and Kimberley went home.  On October 10th, his mom went home. 

On October 10th, Geoff's brother Matthew, who was worried about his sister Stephanie, went to her condo and found her.  Stephanie had died that day of an accidental overdose (I hope it is not a violation of her family's trust to say that; I know much of her story is not mine to tell, and I won't try).  She was 28 years old.  It makes me cry to sit here and type that.

I went to work on the 11th and prepared to be gone the next week.  On Friday the 12th we spent most of the day downtown at the passport agency, getting Katie an emergency passport so that we could fly up to Halifax the next day.  After waiting in many lines, we got the passport.  On the 13th, we flew to Halifax, to be with the family, to grieve, to attend the visitation and the service.  The outpouring of love for Stephanie was overwhelming and wonderful and heartbreaking.

On the 18th, we flew back home very early in the morning and visited my obstetrician in the afternoon.  Everything looked good, she said.  There was a heartbeat, just like last time.  So far, so good.

On the 19th, Katie and I flew to Boston for a trip we'd had planned for months, to visit with a huge group of women and their families; we have been an amazing support group for each other since I joined the PSV online forum in January (and many of them have been an amazing support group for each other for years now).  We had a wonderful time.  On the 22nd, we flew home.

On the 23rd, I went back to work.  The rest of the week, I tried to catch up. 

Geoff found and bought Katie a Snow White costume at the church rummage sale for $2.  On Halloween, we went trick or treating. 

And now it's November.  Saturday was my mom's birthday, and she came up to visit.  We had a good visit with her.

I will write more about the most important events here, but right now this is what I can manage. 

I miss Stephanie.  Already.  She was not just my sister-in-law, she was also my friend, and I thought we'd have until we were old women to get closer to each other, to be part of each other's lives, to watch our children (when she had them) grow up.  She was going to be Katie's special aunt, she said, the one who took her travelling and took her out for a drink when she turned 21 (or maybe even before).  When she saw me or talked to me, she would shout out, "Sister!" as if that was the best thing in the world to be.  I am mad at her for letting this happen, for leaving us.  But most importantly, I loved her.  I love her still.

I have not really allowed myself to be thrilled about being pregnant.  I am happy.  I am cautiously optimistic.  There is no real reason to think that things won't be ok, except that sometimes, things aren't ok.  I am nauseous a lot, eating pretty healthily, sleeping a lot.  I have had at least three separate nightmares of having a miscarriage with this pregnancy.  I am scheduled to have an ultrasound on 11/15, at 12 weeks, and in my mind that is a benchmark, a time past which I can relax and not worry quite so much. 

I am sorry that I never got to tell Stephanie that I was pregnant.  And I am sorry that Katie will not have any real, solid memories of her Aunt Stephanie.

We are ok.  Or we will be.  It's been a pretty hard year, in a lot of ways, but I am hoping that the near future holds some wonderful things, and that we are able to let go of some parts of the past.  I hope that wherever Stephanie is, that she is at peace.  I don't know what else I can hope.

Comments

[allison]

I am so sorry that you are suffering a loss of such magnitude... that is so very sad. I was so happy to see that you are expecting again, and I am sending you lots and lots of sticky vibes. Hang in there.

[maryrwise]

Jessie, I am happy about the new pregnancy and hopeful that all will be well. I'm also so sorry for your loss, and hope that your family's grief becomes bearable soon. I know it can't ever go away completely. Hugs to you.

[Shawna]

Wow, such good and bad news all mixed together. It's hard to say congratulations when you're grieving such an unexpected loss, yet hard to express condolences when you've also given us a reason to celebrate with you, y'know? Anyway, I'm sending you a big hug to wrap it all together in. And if I may say so, I think it's very cool that we're due so close together. (I'm officially due on the 13th of June.)

[Lisa]

Sending lots of healthy pregnancy and healing of hearts vibes your way.

[Jess]

I am so sorry about your sister-in-law. And happy to hear that you are pregnant again. I am hoping that your pregnancy stays healthy, and that you and Geoff will be able to help Katie remember her Aunt Stephanie in less tangible ways through your own stories, photos, and memories.

[Sandy]

I'm very sorry to hear about Stephanie. I know the pain and disappointment you are feeling, my brother died by an overdose a few years ago. It is hard not to feel angry, but in time the good memories out weigh the bad.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

[Charlotte]

Huge congratulations to your pregnancy (you've got me both jealous and hopeful now, too!)! One of the best ways to honor someone who's passed away is to use their name as a middle name for your child ... so, perhaps your new little one could be [Firstname] Stephanie or [Firstname] Stephen?

[Janet in Bakersfield]

Dear Jess:

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I am so happy for you, Jess, truly.

I am sooo sorry about Stephanie. My condolences to everyone touched by her passing. {{{hugs}}}

[Nikki]

What a mixed set of circumstances.
I'm sorry to hear of your loss.
I'm happy to hear your expecting again. I'll keep your family in my thoughts for all of the above.

[jen]

I'm so sorry about your loss. It's so sad, and such a big hole for you too, it comes across in your writing of it.

But I am so happy to hear you are expecting again. As soon as I saw you posted I thought, "I hope she's pregnant." I wish you well!

[Lisa]

I am so so sorry for your loss of Stephanie. She was a beautiful young woman. I am happy for you that you are pregnant again and will send hugs and thoughts your way. I know it's scary, my 2nd pregnancy I was a ball of nerves after losing my Jeremy due to preeclampsia, but try to keep perspective and relax. I know it's hard:)
Hugs

[Carrie]

Hi Jessie,
I am a long time reader back from your diary-x days. I just had to comment when you said that you were sad that Stephanie never got to know you were pregnant. I just had my first son in January and I was going through similar feelings about the fact that my dad had died before he ever got to meet his first grandchild. I was talking about it with my friend and she said "I hate to break it to you honey but your dad got to hold that baby way before you did." I hope that that is a kernel of truth that helps you like it helped me. I am happy for you that you are pregnant again and I am wishing you all the best from Virginia. Carrie

[Jess]

Jessie, I am so sorry to hear of your loss, and so happy to hear news of your pregnancy. It must be such an odd, difficult time for you all, with so much change and so many things to process - I am thinking of your family. xxx

[stefansia]

my, what a tough year. Hope it all ends up well and {{{hugs}}} from england too!

[Kizz]

I've known so many people who have been handed this sort of mixed up high emotion cocktail this year. I'm sorry you had to be one of them. Your year is a carnival ride and I'm one of the many looking for you to have a happy end of 2007 and a spectacular 2008.

hoping right along with you for a wonderful outcome

[Joanne]

I am happy you posted again. I'm so sorry about your sister in law and have been keeping her and your family in my prayers. I'm really happy for you about the pregnancy. I really hope it all goes smoothly. I had a baby, then a miscarriage, and am now 7.5 months pregnant and am still so nervous and this has been the most boring pregnancy ever. It's hard to get past how tenuous it all is. But I wish you luck and hope and faith.

[jana]

Man, am I glad to see you posting again! And I'm so happy to read your exciting news.

I gave my condolences when you posted all those lovely pics of Stephanie on flickr, but I will again: I'm so sorry for your loss, for your family's loss.

[TB]

Today is the 15th and I'm just catching up from my own crazy month. My condolences to you and Geoff and his family. It's so unbearably hard to lose a family member so young.

And it's your ultrasound today. I'm so happy for you Jessamyn.