Up through last Wednesday, I had had almost daily headaches since the miscarriage. On Wednesday, I had maybe the worst headache of the whole time, because I woke up with it. Wednesday I was miserable and depressed and in pain. I left work early so that I could lie down for a little while before Katie got home. But by 9 or so at night, I was feeling better.
On Thursday, I had no more headache. No more crushing depression (occasional sadness, but maybe a tenth of what I'd felt the previous day). No more bleeding. I went the whole day with no tears over the miscarriage (this was a milestone).
Since then, I have actually felt pretty good. I'm not crying every day, and if I do cry, there's no sobbing involved. They're not the tears of wrenching grief. They're tears for something sad that's happened in my (admittedly recent) past. I feel like I've moved past a state of grieving and into a state of healing. (There will still be pain associated with the miscarriage, I'm sure, but it's not pain coming from the now.) I'm a little surprised, actually, at how even keel I am. I feel like things are ok. I am ok.
We went to see my obstetrician this Monday, and she did a pelvic exam and confirmed that, as far as my body goes, things are back to normal. We can start trying again soon, if we want to. When I get pregnant again, she will do whatever she can to ease any worries I have about miscarrying. And if I don't get pregnant again soon, she will start us on the road to taking infertility measures, if we want to. ("Fifteen months is too long!" she said. "I won't let you go through that again.")
I am wary of what will happen when we starting trying to get pregnant again. I don't know how many months of failure I can go through and stay hopeful, but for now I am just going to see how it goes. In an effort to prevent feeling like I have no control over my body, I'm getting in control of my eating and exercising again now. For now, right or wrong, I am hopeful that I will get pregnant again before too long. And for now, I believe that that future pregnancy will result in a real, live baby.
So that's where I am right now. It's not a bad place to be, really. I just thought I would let you know.
Jessamyn--I only recently learned of your loss, and I'm so very sorry. I'm glad you are finding healing, and I hope you continue to share your feelings and experiences with us, and that in doing so you may find even more healing. *Hugs*
Posted by: sarah jane rhee | June 21, 2007 at 01:54 PM
It is so good to know that you are feeling better.
Posted by: ratphooey | June 21, 2007 at 02:26 PM
We're still thinking about you guys, hoping for healing and better days ahead. Thank God for Katie and Geoff. Thank God for you for reminding us to grab each other and squeeze sometimes.
Posted by: Jason Falls | June 21, 2007 at 09:33 PM
Hopeful is good. And it's really really great that your OB seems so caring and lovely and that she is offering to start you on some fertilty treatment rather than waiting, because you're right, you don't need to go through those months of disappointment again if you don't have to.
Take care of yourself.
Posted by: TB | June 22, 2007 at 07:12 AM
I'm very glad you updated, I think of you often. I had a miscarriage last year and I am still amazed at the power of hormones being released from your body. I had headaches, like you, and I think you can feel it when the miraculous lift happens and you start to feel - not good - but better. I wish you luck trying to conceive, I hope you know that we are all thinking of you and hoping for the best.
Posted by: Joanne | June 22, 2007 at 08:21 AM
Yea glad you are feeling better...and healing day by day. Hugs to you. ((hugs))
Posted by: Christy | June 22, 2007 at 08:51 AM
I'm glad to see that you are doing OK. I hope that you continue to heal.
Posted by: jayme | June 22, 2007 at 04:40 PM
I am so so sorry for your loss. I had a good cry for you and your family the other night, reading through your posts. I pray that all your dreams for another child come true.
Posted by: Kris | June 22, 2007 at 08:05 PM
It's really good to see that you're starting to feel better.
Posted by: Jayne | June 24, 2007 at 01:49 AM
I'm glad your headaches have abated, Jessie. Thinking of you. . .
Posted by: Laura | June 25, 2007 at 03:39 PM
I'm so glad to read this post. Keep feeling better.
Posted by: jana | June 28, 2007 at 11:04 PM
I just came upon your blog. I'm very sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I miscarried at 7 weeks in April. I want to tell you that it will get easier as much as you don't think it will. I still have my days where it's hard, I'm going through that right now. For some reason I realized I'd be 5 months along and I broke down. I am thinking about you. It's actually good to read about someone that is close to where I am, in that you are waiting to try again. So are we. I'll be reading.
Posted by: Melanie | July 17, 2007 at 08:28 AM