for myself

scarf
Originally uploaded by jessamynnorth.

About a month ago (maybe more?) I decided to go to The Yarn Store and buy some yarn.  I was going to buy the prettiest, nicest, best and most beautiful yarn that I saw.  I wouldn't even look at the price.  (You don't really want to know how much I spent, and really, I'd rather not dwell on it.)

And so I bought that yarn you see up above, and I'm making myself a scarf.  With any luck, I will finish it this weekend, in time to wear it once or twice (or 10 times?  more?)  before the end of winter in Chicago.  Just looking at the unfinished scarf (throwing it around my neck every so often to see how long it's getting) makes me happy. 

I had never done any knitting when I took a knitting class in September of 2004.  Taking the class was a gift to myself - an hour or so every week that wasn't spent at work or doing housework or taking care of a baby.  The very first thing I made was a scarf, and I kept it for myself, because it had too many mistakes for me to willingly give it to anyone else.

Since then, I have knit scarves, children's sweaters, slippers, hats, and purses.  I kept none of them.  And almost without exception, I forgot, before sending my creation out in the world, to even take a picture of it. 

I figured it was time I made something for myself, a present to me, from me. 

I have a lot going on these days, in some ways.  At any moment, big changes could be afoot, and so I think I have been trying to keep myself in a constant state of readiness.  I try not to plan too much, do too much, push myself too much.  "I'll have enough going on soon enough," I think.  "I'm going to take it easy on myself."

But then the big changes don't happen, and I am left in the same place.  I haven't moved.  I haven't grown.  More specifically, I haven't written, I haven't taken many pictures, I haven't taken any classes, I haven't gone back to the gym, and I haven't gotten serious about dieting. 

I have no real wrap up for this.  Taking the time to write this is part of my (repeated) realization that writing is something that helps me stay happy.  When I stop, I'm hurting myself.  So I'm goin to try - again - to write here more often.  I hope that there are still people out there reading, of course.  But even if you're not, I'm going to have to do it for myself.

Comments

[Kat]

I still check your website and it was a delightful treat to see a new entry today. Glad to hear that you are taking the time to focus on yourself. It's easy to lose yourself when there are big (or small) changes in the works. For me, writing always grounds me in the reality of who I am and who I want to be. Regardless of readership, I'm glad you still have writing and knitting to help remind yourself to take a breath and focus on yourself. Best of luck.

[Lori]

We're still here, darlin'.

I completely relate to that sense of disconnectedness one has when you constantly hold yourself in a state of readiness for something that doesn't pan out. So much better to engage in the world around you and let the chips fall where they may when the changes come.

[Swistle]

That yarn looks so delicious, I am going to eat it up.

[cynthea]

Haloo!

Of course you're still in my bookmarks. I've been reading you forever. Please.

Lurker.

[jana]

I love to read anything you write, so I'll keep checking even if entries are few and far between! But I hope you enjoy the writing you do here, too.

Enjoy that scarf!

[Emma]

That's a gorgeous almost-scarf! Mmm, the colours and textures!

I've been neglecting my own journal lately, and should probably post something soon, especially since my last entry was all doom and gloom. Being stuck in a rut is no fun at all.

[Martha-Lynn]

I'm also reading! I don't know if you remember me commenting a year or so ago about something I very much wanted to do, but felt that there were just too many obstacles. (Forgive me for being vague-- you sent me a great e-mail in reply to the comment). Anyway, we've finally decided to go for it...and I'm so impatient I can't stand it! It's all-consuming, and I'm having my own personal struggle to remember to find time to write, to at least make an attempt to break free of the obsession. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I COMPLETELY hear you. I could have written that post myself.

[Jamie]

Here and reading! Your bookmarked and I check it daily. Please write more. For you. And for us.

[Joanne]

I check almost daily and love when you update. I love hearing about you and what's going on. So thanks! And also - it's so, so hard to take some time and do things for yourself, especially when you're a mother. I'm glad you're doing it.

[TB]

Your scarf looks really soft and warm.

Jeff's travelling in Chicago this week so I thought of you.

Keep taking care of yourself. The rest will come.

[Colleen]

I'm here too! I absolutely love your writing and am always thrilled when you update.

[falwyn]

Definitely still here, for what it's worth.
I'm terribly reluctant to try some really luscious yarn for fear I will NEVER GO BACK. And I know those prices... oh my. But, I think I'd like a gorgeous scarf myself.