November 29th

Hoosier country (November 27th)
Originally uploaded by jessamynnorth.

Some people hate the flatness of Indiana, and I admit, it can be boring to drive there - more boring than in some other places. Still, I love the huge expanses of sky stretching over the fields so wide you can't see the other sides of them. I love the red barns, blue (or white) skies, yellow corn in orderly rows.

I am feeling up and down lately. I love the holiday season. We had a nice Thanksgiving last week, just the three of us, and then on Saturday Katie and I went down to my dad & stepmom's for a short visit. Now we're home, and work is settling down some, and this weekend is my trip to Washington DC with friends.

And I remember how we were last year about this time, financially - strapped. This year we are doing so much better, although I still worry a lot. My student loan payment to Northwestern doubled a few months ago (and it was over $500 to begin with), and our car payment on "new new car" is about $100 more than the payment on "new car." Also, we're paying for Katie's day care now - Geoff's dad is helping some, which is great, but still there is less room in our budget. And we have to pay another year of tuition for Geoff, so we are trying to set aside money for that. This is the last year that he is allowed to remain in the program, so he is going to finish the degree next year come hell or high water.

There are other things, about Geoff's job, that I could write about, but I guess I shouldn't write about it here.

Clearly I have not been keeping up with daily posts, or daily photos, and I feel bad about that. On the one hand, it's only a promise to myself, really, right? So I shouldn't feel too guilty about not following through. On the other hand, there's an argument to be made that the promises to yourself should, perhaps, be most sacred of all.  I am trying to be kind of myself while still pushing myself to do more.  It feels like a balancing act.

This is the first year that Katie is going to understand anything at all about Christmas. So far, so good. We are going with the whole Santa story, which occasionally feels a little weird, since I normally try so hard to be totally straight with her. Then again, I remember loving Santa myself, and I did not feel betrayed, later. (I never thought that the mall Santas were the REAL Santa - only helpers of Santa. The real Santa is too busy at the North Pole making toys to be hanging out in malls, duh!) Now she mentions Santa Claus rather often. She has told me quite a few times that "Santa is a snow man." We're planning to put the ornaments on our Christmas tree tonight, and every time I mention it, Katie says, "Maybe Santa Claus will help us." Last weekend my dad pointed out some Hostessy-type treats at the grocery store and asked her if she wanted them. She looked at them, then patted them and walked away, saying, "Maybe Santa Claus will bring me them."

Wherever I am now is pretty good, despite some minor difficulties. And my future, immediate and far-off, stretches out ahead of me. Sometimes, when it gets close to winter and I start to feel a little tired, I remind myself of that, of the way my life gets better and better with each passing year, at the way I get smarter and more organized, at the way I write more often and, sometimes, more better (heh); I remind myself that I am improving, and that just because a dream hasn't come true yet doesn't mean it won't. And I remind myself of how lucky I am already.

As winter approaches, what do you tell yourself?

Comments

[Jackie Danicki]

I try to laugh my ass off. But I'm in such a bad mood right now that I don't wanna. I wish you weren't down here with me, though!

[Jayne]

Silly as it may sound, up until a few short years ago I thought it was just *me* who had these 'how am I doing' mental conversations with myself ... and I'm still glad when I hear someone else indicate that they do it too! What's going on in my head at this time of the year? Some mental energy is definitely expended on dreaming of a future when I can escape to the sunshine for several months every Winter. Either that or permanently migrate somewhere southwards with my little family.

[Krista]

We are very financially challenged this year so I try to remind myself that it's the little things that are worth enjoying. I may not be able to buy gifts for everyone but I can sure bake up some cookies and fudge. And we're getting a real christmas tree for the first time in 10 years. And I love the holiday music and this year I'm going to find a church to join.

[Sherry]

Every winter I try to hang in there and remember that spring always comes back again. The snow and intense cold snaps make it difficult to get out easily and I feel angsty much of the winter but I try to get a grip at least a few times a week.

[TB]

How wonderful and exciting to have Katie at such a fun age for the holidays. It sounds like you are in a good place right now and anytime you can count your blessings instead of focusing on the negative, things are really, really good.

[jm]

Winter for me is like that guy I got all excited about in high school. It starts out all crisp and new and exciting. And then I find out that there is slush and darkness and layer-ing of clothes and blahness. I usually want to break up with winter before Valentine's Day so I don't feel obligated to get it anything.

(I just discovered your blog through serendipitous clicking. Is that spelled correctly? Serendipitous? Ah well.)