More

Here is what's been going on.

Katie is doing great.  She gives us hugs and kisses, both spontaneously and on demand.  She has just started being interested in having a blanket over her while she sleeps, which seems like some sort of milestone to me, since she never wanted one before (we put her in footed sleepers during all cold weather, to make sure her feet stay warm).  I have big plans to buy her a small pillow, too.  She talks more clearly, and with a larger vocabulary, all the time.  Just a day or two ago, she progressed from saying "help! help!" to "help me! help me!"  Geoff and I both notice and comment on these little changes - these little bits of evidence that she is growing and learning all the time.  She loves books, and gets very excited to see letters.  So far she doesn't accurately identify many letters, but I've seen her correctly pick out and name a "K" and an "X," and maybe an "A."  When she counts, it usually goes - 1, 3, 8, 9, 18!

When I was pregnant, and when Katie was an infant, we read a lot of books about the stages she was (or would be) going through, but for the last year or more, we haven't done much of that.  The other day I was looking through our books - only one of them talks about child development past the first year.  The introduction to the 24 month plus stage said that for the most part, a child's two-year-old personality and social style is the same personality and social style that the child will have when she is six (and to some extent, when she is an adult).  I thought that was amazing (already?!) and gratifying (she is so fun to be with and be around!), and also a little bittersweet (already?!).   

Work continues to be something that I do because it is what I do, not because I love it.  I got a good review this year, and a (relatively) generous raise.  For the most part, I like the people I work with - my supervisors, in particular, are fair and kind and consistent, and can be trusted not to fly off the handle or take out their difficulties on anybody else.  It's not an arduous job.  I work from home one day a week (usually Wednesdays - yay, tomorrow!), and I get one "flex day" off each month (after working the extra hours during the previous week, a little extra time each day) - the next one just so happens to be this Friday.  I am in my fifth year of employment, which means I now get three weeks of vacation instead of two.  As of 2006, I am enrolled in both long and short term disability, so if we were to have another baby, I would actually receive 2/3 of my salary while I was on maternity leave (unlike when Katie was born and I took unpaid leave).  Ever since I started here, I've had my own office with a door that closes, and last fall I moved into an office with a window.  I am doing a good job here.  They like me. 

I was talking to Geoff a few minutes ago - he is up at the church today, composing music, Katie-less on a week day for the first time in awhile.  Per university rules, he needs to finish his doctorate either by this fall or, at the latest, by fall of 2007.  In order to give Geoff more time to do the work he needs to do, his dad generously offered to pay for some daycare/babysitting for Katie a few days a week.  Today is Katie's first day with the sitter - a woman named Jennifer who goes to Geoff's church.  She is about our age, with two young sons of her own (the older one about 4, the younger one about 13 months), and Geoff reported that when he took Katie to Jennifer's house today, Katie rang the bell several times, and walked right in when Jennifer opened the door.  The older boy asked if he could help Katie take her shoes and socks off, then handed her a sword and said, "Let's fight." I think Katie will be better off for spending 5 or 6 hours there a couple of days a week.   

But I was talking to Geoff, and I asked him if he was having fun.  "Yes," he said.  "Are you?"

"No," I told him.  "You know I almost never have fun at this job." 

We have a long-term plan to leave Chicago - not this year, and probably not the next.  But maybe the year after that.  We'd like to move to Indianapolis, where we can drive to visit my family and some of our oldest friends more easily - we can drive over for dinner, or for a Saturday afternoon, instead of having each visit be a weekend trip.  Since Geoff only gets three Sundays off a year, weekends are precious - usually if I go somewhere on the weekend, Katie and I go without him. 

But Indianapolis is closer to people we'd like to be closer to, and it's also a less expensive place to live.  Sometimes we look on realtor.com at houses for sale in Indianapolis, and then we report to each other.  For less than the price of our (two bedroom one bath) condo, one of us will tell the other, we could buy this five bedroom, 2.5 bath house with a basement, yard, front porch, back deck.  We sigh longingly. 

Geoff has only been the music director at his church for a little over a year now, and we only bought our condo last May, so we aren't going to move yet, but still, Geoff has been keeping an eye on the church musician job listings.  A little while ago he found a posting for full-time music director at a church in Indianapolis with a salary range starting just barely below my current salary.  He is probably barely qualified for it right now, but in a few years, with a little more experience, it's something he would have a good shot at getting.  And this is the thing - I have always thought that if we moved to Indy, that I would probably use my contacts here to try to find a similar job in the area, but if Geoff got a job like that, then I wouldn't have to.  If Geoff got a job like that, I could stay home with Katie and try to start a photography business, or do free lance writing, OR WHATEVER.  I could do whatever I wanted.

You would think this idea would make me happy, and it did.  But it also made me pretty scared.  That would be it, I think.  That would be my chance.  No more excuses.  I had to admit to myself that there is safety in this job that doesn't make me happy, where I don't have fun. 

Today it is sunny out, and it is already afternoon.  It is quiet here today, and I will spend the afternoon tidying up loose ends on my To Do list, listening to music and drinking water and diet Coke.  At the end of the day today Geoff will pick me up in our falling-apart car, and Katie will grin hugely and say, "Ma! Ma!" when I get in the car, and Molly will wag her whole body at me.  We will drive home together, and we will go inside.  We will have dinner, and I will give Katie her bath, and she will get me soaking wet with all of her splashing.  Maybe I will get out the camera and take pictures of her, trying to capture all of her utter joy on "film" and in my own memory.  Later, we'll get Katie in her pajamas, watch a little bit of tv, then take her to her bedroom to read books (Moo Baa La La La is a current favorite).  We'll turn out the light, sing "Edelweiss," hug her and kiss her good night, and put her in her crib.  As we're leaving the room, she'll say "Night night, Mama.  Night night, Dada."  We'll leave the room, and Geoff will go to his meeting at the church, and I will relax. I will go to bed relatively early, and Geoff will tuck me in.  I'll ask him to set up the coffeemaker so that I will have coffee in the morning when I wake up, and tomorrow I will wake up when I hear my daughter talking and singing to herself in her room.  And I will get to spend all day at home with them, interspersing hugs and songs and dancing with working on claims, watching the sunlight beam in through the windows, watching the dust motes spiral in the air, feeling the warmth that is home. 

Sometimes it feels so greedy to want more. 

Comments

[Sarah]

Jessamyn, I just have to say that I love the way you write. There is so much feeling in it that I sometimes feel like I am inside your head. Thank you for letting us into your life. And it'd be an incomplete comment if I didn't tell you how gorgeous Katie is. She just seems like such a joyful, spirited child.

[Angie]

I recently moved back to Indy after living in California for 8 years! It's been quite the transition. Things are a lot cheaper here. Be aware when you're house hunting that you some places in Indy have MUCH higher property taxes, and that even the low ones aren't all that low. They are comparative to our California taxes!! Then again, it's nice to have 6% sales tax instead of 8.75% on everything you buy.

I don't know how different the sites are, but www.mibor.com is the Metropolitan Indianapolis Board of Realtors website. Might be something more there that isn't on realtor.com, and it's also local to the Indy area.

Happy hunting, let me know if I can be of any help! House hunting Long distance is a pain in the arse, and then you have to schedule a million of them when you are in town for a visit.

Was it worth it? TOTALLY. I can spend 20 minutes in the car to visit my family and friends istead of 8 hours in airports and planes!

[Pamalamadingdong]

I love Moo Bah La La La!

[TB]

That last sentence really speaks to me. I know what you mean.
In our quest to have a child, I sometimes think "could I be happy with my life if it never happens?".
I have a good life, a beautiful home, pets that give me a lot of joy, a husband who I love more than I ever imagined I could, a job that pays my bills even if it doesn't fulfill me creatively but a wonderful creative outlet online. It should be enough, but it just isn't right now.
I do want more. And sometimes I do feel greedy about that.

[Lisa]

I can totally relate! I have lots of great things in my life, but there are always other things that I want for myself or for my boyfriend and me. I can also understand the feeling that you're talking about when the time comes for you to try your hand at photography or writing or both and how it seems like your big chance. I quit my full time job last summer to start a freelance photography business because the time was right, and it's been scary and frustrating and also exhiliarating at the same time. I haven't managed to make enough money with it to quit the part time job I picked up in the interim working at a camera store, but people tell me it takes time. I'm sure when your time comes, you'll make it good!

[longlostfriend]

I don't think it's greedy at all to want more. It's what makes life exciting. Gives you something to look forward to, something to strive for, makes you feel alive! To be able to squeeze Katie more often, who wouldn't want that?! :) So I'm guessing you, and Geoff, and Katie moving closer to your parents and Josh would make them ecstatic! And best of luck to you and Geoff in your searches!

[LisaL]

I think people naturally want more, and that's not a bad thing. As longlostfriend said, it gives you something to strive for, and it doesn't mean you're not content with your life. In the middle of dreams and hopes for the future, though, it's wonderful to stop and appreciate what you have now.
I moved from Chicago to Indianapolis several years ago--feel free to e-mail if there's anything I can help with! Finding a good bagel here is MUCH harder, but there are other benefits. :)

[Joanne]

Oh, do move to Indianapolis. I moved back here a few years ago from NYC and am, overall, happy about it. I do stay home with my babe and there's no way I could if we still lived east.

[Laura]

Edelweiss is one of my favorite lullaby songs, too. It touches me thinking that I'm singing it here in my time zone and an hour or two later you're singing it in Chicago. "Small and white, clean and bright. . ." :-)