Going to Be (Happy Now)

[Reworked from email I sent last week]

I was having a hard week last week, and for a little while before that, too. There was this near-suffocating sadness pressing down on my chest, on me, that I couldn't seem to shake.  I think it was related to money and non-money, to my job, to winter-time sunless days, to the fact that I haven't been writing or exercising but that I wish I were. 

Last Tuesday night, just before wishing me a good night, Geoff pressed his forehead to mine so that he could, as he said, take my sadness from me.  And you know, I don't know how the reality of our lives are divided: how much is made up of what you believe in, and how much is what you wish for, and how much is actually grounded in the physical world.  But I know that as Geoff pressed his head to mine, he said, "Oh, sweetie, you are so sad!" And he teared up. "You are so disconnected from your core!"  He said.  I felt a little better - who knows how much of that was because he took my sadness from me and how much was because he wished that he could.  (And does it even matter?)  I asked him about it the next day, and he said that he had felt a strong wave of sadness wash over him at that moment. 

Sometimes just being understood is so powerful. 

The next day I was telling Geoff that I was still sad, that I wanted to just let myself be happy, but that for some reason I couldn't seem to do it.  I couldn't seem to relax from the anxiety and worry.  He told me that I should just tell myself that I was going to be happy, and I thought about it, and then I opened up a new document in Word, typed "I AM GOING TO BE HAPPY NOW" in 12 point font, printed it out, cut it out, put a piece of tape over it, and taped it to the front of my monitor. And every time I looked at it, I took a deep breath and smiled a little bit, and I felt better, time after time after time. 

By the end of the day I was no longer suffocating.  I stepped out of work at the end of the day, walking to the train amid snow that fell like hail - round weird pellets that bounced off of my hair and my coat - and I felt it: HAPPY.

Sometimes it is all so hard, isn't it?  When I first started working a 9-5 job, after college, I could not get over the sheer vast number of hours that were now gone from me.  That was how I felt about them - they were part of work, not part of my life.  What a waste!  Over the succeeding years, when I have worked 9-5, I have gradually incorporated my own life into those work hours, so that it no longer feels completely separate.  I have friends at work, and I email other friends while at work, and sometimes I shop around online, and I am still me. And on Wednesday I picked up the phone and started to say "Jessamyn North" when I heard the sound of giggling.  It was Katie on the other end. "Hi," I said.  "Hi, mom-mom," she said, and then she gave the phone to Geoff.  "She wanted to call you," he said.  "She picked up the phone and said, 'hi, mom!" and when I asked her if she wanted to call you, she said, "otay!" 

There are so many days when work still drives me crazy, when work still feels like such a waste of my life, but there are other days when it all seems like part of me, when I don't mind so much.

A couple of days before Christmas, while we were in Halifax, I got an email from a literary agent asking me to let her know if I was interested in writing a book.  It turned out that she had found me through the Dot Moms site and recently started up her own business, so she was looking for authors.  It turns out that she only accepts non-fiction, and not (usually) memoir - so I'm not sure if she and I will have any future relationship or not, but in any case I figured I'd send her a writing sample.  I picked out 4 or 5 short pieces and emailed them to her a few weeks ago.  The response I got, while not bad, didn't make me happy.  Several days after I had emailed her, she wrote back and said something like, "I enjoyed reading this and you are a very good writer."  Something like that, and that was all.  "You are a very good writer." Really, is that the best she could do?  I think if it is, then she is not the agent for me.  This doesn't mean that if I write something that fits within the parameters of what she is interested in trying to sell that I wouldn't necessarily send it her way, but if I am looking for someone who will recognize and appreciate my unique wonderful voice (see, I'm trying to just take my talent as a given, and work from there), then I don't think she's the one who's going to do that for me.

I just finished reading Dance of the Dissident Daughter, by Sue Monk Kidd, and I'm feeling more inspired.  It has stuck with me, especially this part when Sue  Monk Kidd says that our souls are made to do two things: to love, and to create.  I can get behind that.  So I have my Sue Monk Kidd book, and I have my I AM GOING TO BE HAPPY NOW sign, and I started re-reading a book we read in my college creative writing class, If You Want to Write, and all of these things are colluding, colliding, meshing with each other. I got an email from my dad that was like that, too - another push in the right direction, another vote of confidence in me, another inspiration. 

Comments

[Angie]

Hi Jessie,

I've been reading you since at least 2001 because I remember sharing with you a loss that I had experienced.

You are one of the only journalist/bloggers/writers that I've faithfully read that long and it's because of how you write. You write from the heart and you let it all out there. I don't want to sound all weird or stalkerish, but when you write about your pain or sadness as well as your happiness and love for Katie or Geoff, it's like I can feel those things too. That's a testament to the power of your writing.

I'm therefore thrilled that you want to start writing more often. Just don't ever decide to stop writing!

[gabby]

Very beautifully put. I have periods like you descibed. I stay home and try to freelance and still have a difficult time recognizing that I write. I wish it wasn't so difficult to just be and do and state without hesitance or cringing "I am a writer". I'm hoping we both get to that place.

[susan]

excellent post, as always, jess. i love the fact that you recognise that this may not be the right agent for you, instead of getting blinded by her being interested. it shows real committment to yourself which is a great thing.
i love how you write, and like angie, i've been following you for ages because you are so very good at expressing yourself, which sometimes feels like you are expressing, well, me!
do you know anne lamott? i think her book bird by bird might might be right up your alley. here it is:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0385480016/sr=8-3/qid=1140253815/ref=pd_bbs_3/104-4717788-6327129?%5Fencoding=UTF8

[Shockeysuxs]

Why not get some exercise? I hate when people talk about how fat they are but they do nothing to eat better or get exercise. It requires mental discipline. Either cultivate that, or stop talking about it. It's that clear-cut. I know you are going to complain that someone is being mean to you but the reality is that most of your depression is linked to being woefully out of shape. Realize it, do the work, and you'll be happier. Choirboy putting his head against yours isn't going to change that; you need to. That's the root of your depression and you know it. So change things and whine about something else.

[jessamyn]

Who are you, "Shockeysuxs," and what is your problem? If you're actually interested in the answers to any of the questions you've asked me, why don't you email me?

[Lisa]

I was going to comment that it's so nice to see a long, talky entry from you, but unfortunately, I see there's a comment from a judgmental idiot to ruin my Jess happiness. Gah! OK, ignoring that... Please keep writing long, chatty entries when you have time. I've always loved your insightful, articulate writing. I WOULD say "You are a very good writer," but someone stole my line. ;-)

[Another Lisa]

I can really relate to this entry. The very same things have been driving me nuts in my life too- work, and wanting to freelance but not being able to afford to do that without working somewhere else too, and lack of money and the stress that comes with that, and also wanting to exercise, but not being able to find the time between work and everything else. You're definitely not alone, and I bet when spring comes, you'll feel lighter. :)

[Sam]

Wow - how low is it to anonymously slam someone who has exposed their vulnerability in such an honest way? Please don't take any notice of this rude and cowardly person Jessamyn! I love your writing and it is wonderful that you feel that you can share your down times with others. It is very comforting and your honesty is really wonderful. Your husband's heartfelt gesture was very moving......... and I'm sure it changed your mood because it made you feel loved. :)

[longlostfriend]

OMG Jessie! This really bums me out to see such an idiot commenting on your stuff! I love to read what you write and I've been feeling the exact same way lately. I'm guessing either shockeysuxs knows you and is jealous of your life or something. Most people that act like that and have only mean things to say are either jealous or are seriously lacking something in their own life. And after reading the comment they put, I'm guessing friends. If they don't like what you write about there is no need to read it and leave rude comments. Don't let it get you down! I know you have many good people in your life that care about you. You can tell by your flickr pics and the wonderful comments people leave for you! And if shockeysuxs had any guts they'd reveal themself. What a chicken!

[Joy]

Glad you're writing more, Jessamyn. Your writing has always inspired me.

[Hannah]

I am SO GLAD you are writing again! I need more Jessamyn in my life. xxoo.

[TB]

Jessamyn,

I've been reading what you write for years now and almost every single entry makes me sigh and say; Yes, I know what that feels like. Your words have at times made me smile, brought me to tears, made me see the true joy in motherhood and made we want to hug my husband a little tighter.

I know it would be the ultimate to write a book and have it published. I have faith that that will someday happen for you, but in the meantime, thank you for writing with such honesty and openness. You are a really beautiful person.

[TB]

Ah, typepad ate my comment.

The gist of what I said though is that you have a very unique ability to write with such honesty and openness, people connect with you. There have been so many times that your writing has made me smile, or brought me to tears, or made me better understand the joy of motherhood.

Thanks for that.

[Andrea]

I think you're absolutely right to decide against that agent -- she may have all the best intentions in the world, but if she can't express her thoughts to you, she's not going to be able to express them to editors on your behalf. Stick with it, and best of luck!

[Erin]

Jessie, "Shockeysuxs" is the same jackass who has been trolling all of us for years now, poor thing. Seriously - this person needs a hobby quick-like because he or she makes it his or her life's ambition to be a Wonder Troll. Never you mind this person.

YOU are fantastic.

[Anelie]

Wow. Don't you just LOVE how the internet can give a voice to all the sad jerks in the world? Ah, Trolls. Nothing magnifies an unkind heart better than anonymity and a ISP.

ANYWAY, I totally know how you feel on all levels. It's one of the reasons why I haven't written for so long. You have every right to find happiness in any way, shape, form that you can.