Is it okay if I cry now?

So, this is one of those times when I know I should be really excited and happy, but what I actually am is nervous and sick-feeling.  We close on our new home today.  It's not true that we are buying our first house, since it's not a house, it's a condo, and it's also not true that we are going to be moving to our first home, since the apartments that we've lived in have definitely qualified as homes, but it is true that this place will be the first home that we own.  Which I should be excited about. 

I'm not really excited, but I feel like I should be, so not only do I feel kind of sick for no intellectual reason (at this point, all of the loan issues have been resolved, at least as far as we know, and this morning, less than 8 hours before the closing, our attorney actually deigned to let us know how much we needed to get a certified check for to bring to the closing, so once Geoff gets the check, there's nothing left to be resolved, as far as we know - but I guess maybe that's part of my problem, because "as far as we know" doesn't mean very much, if the last few months have been any indication), but I also feel an additional layer of guilt/sadness/anxiety about the fact that I am not excited.  Good lord.

It has been pretty awful, this particular loan approval process.  The search for a home was kind of stressful, but it was at least somewhat within our control.  The loan issues that have come up have always been about us, but have almost never been within our control.  Our credit is either good enough or it's not.  Our income is either enough, or too much, or just right.  Our gift of funds from Geoff's sister Stephanie is either in our accounts, or isn't but will be, or isn't and won't.

The loan company either trusts us to be able to make our monthly mortgage payments, or it doesn't. The people making these decisions don't know us, and yet their decision about whether or not to trust us to be able to handle the responsibility of a mortgage feels so personal.  Are we good enough?  Or aren't we?

I have surprised myself by how emotional I've gotten over what's been going on the past few months.  I've tried to downplay the effect this should have on my emotions.  What is wrong with me? I'll think.  In the worst case scenario, if this all falls through, we are no worse off than we were before we started looking (except for recently, when we had already started packing and we were going to have to unpack).  This is a happy thing.  Why is this so hard?

I know THEY say that moving is one of the most stressful life experiences that people go through, up there with divorce and weddings and job changes and deaths in the family and having babies.  But still, I'm aware that a lot of people (including us, even now, if we hadn't gotten help from Geoff's sister) can't afford to buy homes at all.  I should be grateful, not tearful. 

As I'm writing this, I actually feel like I might start crying, and I suddenly think of my wedding day and mine and Geoff's first dance, and the way that, just a short hour or so after the wedding ceremony, I felt so overwhelmed that I looked at him and asked if he would mind it very much if I cried.  "Is it okay if I cry now?"  I was worried that if I cried, he might take it the wrong way.  He might think I was sad or angry.  He might think that I wasn't excited and happy. 

Instead, he looked at me and smiled, his heart in his eyes, and said, "Of course," and I laid my head on his shoulder and I cried, as much as I wanted to, and I knew that it was all going to be all right.

Geoff's getting our certified check this morning.  I'm leaving work at noon.  Our final walk through is today at 2.  Our closing is at 4.  And after that, if it's all gone well, I think that I will cry.  Is that ok?

Comments

[april]

Oh Jess! I went through ALL of that. Excited/scared/dread/on & on & on!! Take a DEEP breathe and enjoy it, as much as you possibly can, and do NOT feel bad for whatever emotions you are going through. You should never apologize for how you feel. They are your feelings. Own them.

[Janna]

Hi Jessamyn. I must de-lurk and comment. My husband and I are going through the same thing right now, only we're waiting to hear if our home offer was accepted. And I must tell you that every emotion you are feeling, I am feeling. I just want to cry, and I think that that's okay, as crying often makes us feel better. Congrats to you and Geoff for getting this far, and I wish you much happiness in your new home. And pass the Kleenex when you're finished, okay? :o)

[Rob]

This pain will pass like that of childbirth, which indeed is a good analogy. Getting loans always has a way of making you feel small and out of control. Congratulations on the new place! You can cry now . . . :-)

[Megan]

The thing that I dislike about money is that there is so much judgement and morality tied into it, which is completely absurd.

I'm sorry this is a stressful, ambivilant time for you. But all leaps and risks feel that way, don't they?

Soon, your home will be uniquely yours, and full of your own personalities, hopefully banishing the negative feelings this whole loan process has brought about.

Congratulations on your new home!

[Laura]

Jessie,

By the time you read this comment, I hope that congratulations are in order. :-) Have a good, de-stressing cry once it's all over and you've signed your name a really ridiculous number of times on forms you don't have time to read thoroughly. Best, best wishes in your new home.

Laura

[Rayne of Terror]

Congrats Congrats! There is nothing like going into YOUR home for the first time when it's empty and there is no realtor peeking over your shoulder. Cry, roll around on the carpeting, doesn't matter cause it's your place.

[girlwonder]

" And after that, if it's all gone well, I think that I will cry. Is that ok?"

HELL YES!

[shannon]

So completely bizarre...how our lives parallel. We closed on a house today too. At 4:00. And I still haven't processed it. We're the proud owners of 2...count 'em 2... houses! So, we're stuck in the new house excitement v. the old house selling dread.

Take a deep breathe. Relax. Cry if you have to. But enjoy your new home too. Sit and look around. I hope that everything went smoothly with the closing and you're enjoying the view out of new windows tonight.

[Krista]

Congratulations Jessie! This is wonderful news. I can't wait to see pictures of the new home you and Geoff and Katie will make. Oh and Molly too.

[Anelie]

I get a raging case of buyer's remorse just from buying an article of clothing over $50, so I can't imagine how I would feel if it were an entire *house* we were talking about. (smile) But just wait until you move in and make that place your "own." You will feel MUCH better. Congratulations!!

[verzekering belgie]

I think problems come without the knocks at your door. However absolutely critical issue is to find out the best you can give to solve for the challenge you have.I would never recommend you to cry but try for the best.Good luck.

[Jessamyn]

Belgie, it's been almost 4 years now since we bought our place. I was able to not only cry but ALSO to "try for the best!" Both at once!