Get Out

I'm struggling a little bit lately with something that's not pervasive or powerful enough to be called depression.  I don't know exactly why, although when I start to think about it, I guess I can come up with a bunch of reasons.

My weight is near its highest, my face has been breaking out lately, and I don't have any cute (and comfy and springy) shoes or new clothes (God forbid!), so I'm not feeling too good about myself physically.

We are under contract to buy a place, but I'm still pretty nervous about everything - before we found this place, we are pre-approved for our loan, but we haven't actually been approved to buy this particular place yet. We still have to turn over copies of various documents (pay stubs and W-2's and investment statements), and Geoff still has to get some documents from his loan providers showing that his loans are in forbearance. We are also buying the condo with an FHA loan even though the place was not already FHA approved, which means that the FHA has to approve the condo association now. We don't have too much control over either of these things, which maybe explains why I'm a little worried about them. I'm afraid to get too excited, too, in case everything falls through.  (I think I might be bringing myself down and wearing myself out, what with my frequent internal reminders that something bad could  happen.) 

When I let myself be, I'm excited about moving into our new place, but I'm still dreading the move itself, and sad about leaving our neighbors. And even if all goes well, we don't plan to be moved until two months from now - looking for a place was really exciting, but now we've entered this time period where all we can do is wait for time to pass, and I think I'm suffering from letdown.

I also think I haven't been making good enough use of my time. I usually get up early, come to work, work all day (most of the time without leaving the building at all), go home, play with Katie and then put her to bed. By 7, she's in bed. Sometimes Geoff and I eat dinner and hang out and watch tv or talk, but other days he has to go out to the church, and I sit by myself and cross stitch and watch tv or surf the internet or mess around with photos in Photoshop. By 10 or 10:30, I'm usually in bed. I haven't seen a movie since December. I haven't gone out with friends since I don't know when (ooh, except for the night in March when I met Erin and Amy to hear Anne Lamott read from her new book, which was excellent and touching and was followed by post-reading Starbucks).

My local friends don't have children, so they can do things spontaneously, and I haven't made the effort to plan things with them or to let them know that I am itching for an invitation to do something with them. I haven't been finding the time to travel to visit my farther-away friends more than once or twice a year.

Ok.

Compiling this laundry list of woes is making me feel better. Look at what I'm sad about!  They are almost all things that I can change. And besides, it's spring, and it's sunny out, and this weekend I am renting a car so that Katie and I can drive to Indiana to visit my Dad & stepmom and brother, all of whom will be happy to see us. I can take my new camera, and there is potential to take lovely, interesting pictures. The weekend after this one Katie and I are flying to visit Kerry and her daughter. The week after that is Erin's birthday, and even though I'm missing her pre-birthday celebration, I'm hoping we can get together afterward. And am I crazy? I've been wanting to buy a home for years now, and it looks like pretty soon we are going to do exactly that. What is sad about that?

I think maybe I need to get out more.

Comments

[Krista]

How cool that you got to hear Anne Lamott read. Oh, sometimes I really miss living in a big city.

I have been wanting to buy a long white cotton skirt and some sandals. And a set of exercise clothes so that I don't feel frumpy when and if I ever go walking again. blech. But so much to buy first like gasoline (outrageous.)

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you on the condo. I read your About page and I really love it. Especially the quote about A Bunch Of Grapes.

I'm really likin this place Jessie! Your voice shines warm to my wandering and weary spirit.