Dear Katie,
This is nothing like falling in love.
There are none of those questions: "Are you The One?" "Do I really love you?" " Do you really love me?" "Are you really the person I think you are?" "Will I still love you in a month and a year and a decade?" "Are you too young or old for me?" "Are we too different?" "Are we too alike?" "Do I find you attractive?" "Do you think I'm pretty?"
I do not wonder whether you will have a successful career that will help us build a life together (or what exactly we mean by "successful"). I never wonder whether we will someday run out of things to talk about (so far, we don't talk about much). I don't wonder if those little habits you have (that I now find so charming) will one day grate on my very last nerve. I don't wonder if my friends will like you or approve of you. I don't wonder if you're smart enough for me, or if I'm smart enough for you.
I don't feel embarrassed or self-conscious when you see me with messy bed hair, or if you see me spill something on myself, or if you see me without clothes on. I don't feel uncomfortable when I see you naked. There is nothing about you that makes me feel awkward or distanced (not even when you squat right in front of me and go ridiculously red-faced with straining). I did not feel awkward or even a little weird the first time that I called you "sweetie" or "sweetheart" or "honey" or "sweetpea" or "my little sweet potato baby bee." That time I accidentally drooled on you, right after you had drooled on me? I did not feel embarrassed (I just laughed).
I have had no internal debate (or external one, for that matter) about whether or not I should let myself love you. I don't wonder: Should I allow myself to be vulnerable? Should I admit to you how I feel? Should I tell you that my heart fills with joy when I know I am going to see your face or hold you close at the end of the day? Will it scare you off to know that I can't keep myself from grinning when I walk down the steps at the el station and see that you are out there in the car, waiting for me? Will you get annoyed and think I touch you too much or too often? Will you feel smothered if I smother you with kisses every single day?
I have never wondered: Will this love last forever?
To all of these questions, I know the answers, or else the answers don't matter.
I gave you a bath last night, and you looked up at me with your big happy sparkly eyes, and I wanted to stare into your eyes forever, and I had these thoughts that I am writing down today, my dearest wonderful brilliant beautiful daughter, my Katie coo, my baby girl.
You are too young to read this now (even though you like to turn the pages of books). But maybe when you are thinking about having a child of your own, you will want to know what this is like, this business of becoming a mother. Or maybe when you are older, even if you are not thinking about having a child of your own, you will want to know what it was like for me, this business of becoming your mother. And so I am writing this down for you.
It is everything like falling in love. (It is wonderful.)
Love,
Mom
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