Dear child-to-be,
This is what our life is like now, while you are only the size of a grape, and before you have ever seen the world.
Your father-to-be Geoff and I live in a medium-sized two bedroom apartment on the north side of Chicago, just to the west of a neighborhood called Andersonville. The apartment seems a little on the small side to me, but that's only because we moved there from a gigantic two-bedroom apartment several months ago, at the end of March. The apartment we live in now is warmer and cozier and brighter than the old one, and there is a grassy backyard (the other apartment's yard was completely paved over!). We also love the neighborhood we're in now - people are friendlier, streets are quieter, and we can walk to restaurants and shops. Right now there are daisies and some kind of pink roses blooming in our back yard.
Right now we sleep in the smaller of the two bedrooms. The larger bedroom has our guest bed and our computer in it. We think, though, that before you are born, we will switch bedrooms. The smaller bedroom, which is painted a pale blue, will be your room. We may switch before too long, actually - the smaller bedroom is so small that I almost have to walk an obstacle course when I get up out of bed. The night before last, I stepped on the dog's paw when I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I'm concerned that as you grow inside me, and as I get bulkier and (even) less graceful, I will find it harder and harder to get in and out of bed, and there might even be a danger that I'll hurt myself.
It's not just Geoff and I who live in our apartment - we have a dog, Molly, and two cats, Zellie and Ichabod. We dote on the dog, and we think that as you grow up, you will love her, too. Molly sleeps on an old folded up comforter at the foot of the bed (which is why I stepped on her the other night!). The cats are not as friendly or energetic as the dog, but I bet you'll think they are pretty interesting. Ichabod plays with Molly sometimes, and Zellie makes a mewing sound that's almost like barking.
I'm a lawyer. I work at a title insurance company in the claims department, and although I don't love my job, I do like the people I work with and the work schedule. I work from 9 to 5 each day, and never on weekends. Your future dad works part-time as the music minister at a church in Oak Park, and part-time in the privileges department of the library at Northwestern University, which is where he's getting his doctoral degree in music composition. (I also went to Northwestern, for law school.)
We got married November 16, 2002. (I bet that will seem like prehistoric times to you, when you get older.) When we found out I was pregnant with you, almost four weeks ago, we had only been married for about 7 1/2 months. That's pretty soon, I know, but we decided that the time was right, and that if we could help it, we didn't want to wait any longer for you. Also, we have been together quite a bit longer than the amount of time we've been married. In a little over a week, on August 1st, we will have been together for five years (your father moved all the way from Halifax, Nova Scotia, where your grandparents, uncle, aunts, and other relatives on your dad's side live, to be with me, and I am still so grateful!). We have been talking about you for years.
We both really like food (which makes it hard for us to diet). Your father cooks a lot more often than I do. When he cooks, he usually puts a lot of effort into it, and the meals he makes are almost always extremely delicious and a little bit out of the ordinary. When I cook, I usually make breakfast (French toast, banana pancakes, eggs, biscuits) or desserts (chocolate chip cookies, cake, pie).
I like to take a lot of pictures - I'm sure you'll find this out first hand. Right now I have eight rolls of film waiting to be sent off to be developed. It's always like magic to me when I get the pictures back and see what I've captured on film (even though I don't ever like every picture, I always like the process, and I always find some pictures that I really love). I hope that someday I will be a photographer for a living, and then I will quit my job in the claims department. Or if not a photographer, I would like to be a writer.
Geoff composes music. Right now he is composing a soundtrack for a one-hour documentary about shipwrecks on Lake Superior, and last night he played some of the music for me. I don't really know what it's like to be able to compose music - when I listened to him play, I just kept being amazed by how beautiful it sounded, and how evocative the music was. It's like magic to me, hearing music that he's composed. I hope that someday Geoff will be a composer for a living.
The same day that we found out that I was pregnant with you, the piano that Geoff had bought a few days before was delivered. He plans to give piano lessons (he used to do that, back when he lived in Halifax), but so far the only one he's given lessons to is me. So while you are growing, I am learning to play the piano. I'm a beginner, so I'm not playing any music that is too exciting, but I'm having a lot of fun learning something new. I am most of the way through Book One of the piano book series we're using. Maybe by the time you are here, I will be up to Book 4 or 5! Woo!
There are things that we worry about, but they usually don't bother us too much. We worry about money sometimes - I'm in a lot of debt from law school, and Geoff will have a lot of debt from graduate school, too. I hope that's something you don't have to worry about too much, although I suppose almost everybody worries about money a little bit. I worry about my weight - I have always been pretty healthy, and still am, but I'm overweight by around fifty pounds or a little more. Sometimes I feel like being overweight makes me ugly, but deep down I don't believe that is true, and your father says that I am beautiful, no matter what. I know that we will think that you are beautiful no matter what, too, and I hope that we can help you be more self-confident about your looks than I have been (especially if you are a girl - it seems like it's harder for girls to be confident about the way they look than it is for boys). After you are born, I have a goal to lose weight. But I also have a goal of being happier about the way I look, no matter what I weigh. If I want you to be confident in the way you look, I think I should work on my own attitude.
And I admit I'm a little worried about you - having a successful pregnancy, giving birth to you, taking care of you, raising you. But the amount of my happiness about you far surpasses any amount of worry I'm feeling. I want you to know you were always wanted, and always loved, and always worth it. Even now, before we've met you.
This letter is kind of weird, and I guess writing it is more for me than for you. I woke up in the night last night at 4:00 a.m., and I couldn't get back to sleep, and this is what I was thinking about. I was thinking about how to write a snapshot of our lives right now, right at this moment, in a way that was both general and detailed, and in a way that might make sense to you someday. I was thinking about how I want to remember the snapshot of our lives right now - I want to remember where we lived, what were some of the things we did, and what we think about you this early in my pregnancy. It probably doesn't matter if you know a lot of this or not.
Mostly, I want you to know that we are happy, and we love each other very much. We laugh a lot together. I am more comfortable with Geoff than with any other person in the world, and I think he feels the same way about me. We don't think this world (or this country, or this city) is perfect, of course, but we think the world is a pretty amazing place. We know lots of people - family and friends - who we love and who love us. They will love you, too. We're excited about adding you to our small family. You're not even born yet, and we think we love you already, but I know that whatever love we feel for you now is nothing compared to how we'll feel after you are born.
Love,
your mom-to-be
I see that you wrote this wonderful post in 2003. I'm always impressed with people that can write about their feelings so easily. I really understood about you and the life you were living at the time. Just wonderful!
I could never figure out what to write in my pregnancy journal. It just seemed so empty...I guess it seemed like there was a right way to do it and I couldn't figure out what it was.
Well, that was a long time ago and my son is now in college.
Hope your family is well.
Posted by: Gail | December 02, 2006 at 12:08 AM