So, on Monday night I had my first Wedding Anxiety Dream, and it went like
this.
We were in a church in Halifax, in Nova Scotia, where Geoff's family lives. (Having the wedding in Nova Scotia has been the subject of recent discussion and consideration. It is an idea to which I have strenuous objections, for many reasons. Since Geoff has similar objections, I do believe I can safely say that the wedding will not be in Halifax, by God, but will instead be in the city where we live. I realize this is a novel idea, but it's one we are committed to. But I digress.)
So, we're in this church, and it's a big church, and it is not the chapel in Evanston that we've reserved. I'm not sure when it was exactly, but it was some time before November of this year, because as I am looking around the church, I realize that a) almost no one that I know is there; b) we have forgotten, completely forgotten, to send out any invitations, and so no one knows we're having it here, about which I am terribly embarrassed; and c) we will have to just redo the whole ceremony in November in Evanston, the way we planned, because all of the people who didn't get invitations and who are not there will be upset that they missed the wedding, and luckily it is not yet November, so we can just keep this Halifax ceremony our little secret.
The only people at the wedding that I know? Geoff. My mom. My ex stepdad Gene. Laurie and Tracy and Candace (apparently I managed to inform the bridesmaids, but not my own father). I don't even see anyone from Geoff's family there, although I have the feeling that some of them are there somewhere.
So we're in the church, about to have our wedding. There is, however, another wedding going on at the same time. I realize that most of the guests are there for the other wedding. And somehow I realize that the ceremony is going to alternate between the two couples. Couple 1 has its prelude music, Couple 2 (us) has its prelude music, Couple 1 has its processional, Couple 2 has its processional, Couple 1 has its bride walk down the aisle, Couple 2 has its bride walk down the aisle. Et cetera. I have no idea why it is set up this way, and I think this is a stupid way to set up a wedding. I can't figure out where in the ceremony we are, or when I'm supposed to do anything. I also realize, suddenly, that we have not had a rehearsal! And so no wonder I have no idea when we are supposed to do what.
Since we have no idea what we're doing, and since my dad isn't there to accompany my mom and I down the aisle to give me away, my mom and I just take off down the aisle toward the altar, but when we get to the end of the aisle, no one is there waiting for us, and we realize we have completely screwed this up. We have to turn around and walk back down the aisle the wrong way, somewhat shamefaced, to wait our turn.
So eventually it's our turn, and my bridesmaids (who are now wearing straw hats with big wide hot pink ribbons tied around their brims and some sort of floral print dresses) make their trip down the aisle. Then Mom and I walk down the aisle. We get to the altar, and...
And then the dream just skips, and it's some indeterminate amount of time later, and I have no idea what happened. I don't know if I blacked out, or passed out, or if we're married or not. I ask Geoff if we're married, and he says no, and people explain to me what happened, and they all sort of hang their head at me, because I have disappointed them with something I did. No one is really angry, just sort of mildly amused at how I have managed to screw this up. Apparently I got to the altar and I tripped, or fell on my head, or said the wrong thing, or ripped my own dress, or all of the above. In any case, somebody points out to me that I have ripped my dress under both arms, and when I lift up my arms to feel where the dress has ripped, it turns out that I haven't really ripped the dress. Instead, I just ripped the basting that was holding the arms in place for shipping or something. Ahh, I think. That must be like the way they sew pockets shut on suit jackets, and you have to get out the stitch ripper and rip the stitching so you can use the pockets. I didn't know they did that for wedding dresses.
So they explain to me what I've done, and what happened, and that we are not married, and where everyone has gone, and they tell me that we will be doing it all over again tomorrow, at which time hopefully all will go well. Unlike this time.
And that's pretty much the end of the dream. I didn't even get to see what kind of dress I was wearing. I mean, other than the fact that it had some sort of underarm seam that was meant to be ripped apart to reveal the previously hidden underarm panel.
It sounds like a nightmare, and obviously it's an anxiety dream, but this dream has served a good purpose, I think. While all of this was going on? While I tripped and fell and forgot to invite people, and my own father and stepmom and brother weren't there (or almost anyone else who should be there, for that matter), and it wasn't where we planned to have it, and we had no rehearsal, and my bridesmaids were wearing wide-brimmed straw hats with pink ribbons, and I went down the aisle at the wrong time, and by the end of one whole ceremony we weren't even married yet, and were going to have to do it again?
Despite all that, I felt just fine.
That whole time, my thoughts were never, "oh, no, this is terrible and I feel horrible!" No, mostly my thoughts were filled with wonderment, something like, "Wow, dude, this is fucked UP! Wow. I didn't even know it could get this messed up. Oh, well." I was dazed and confused, but smiling and happy. I just thought to myself, well, whatever. In the end, however long it takes, we will end up being married. It will be ok.
Until I had the dream, I didn't even realize I was anxious at all. It's good to know it'll be ok, though. I mean, reality can't possibly be any more screwed up than the dream, right?
Right.