Last night I went to bed at 9:30, because I knew I'd be getting up this morning at 5:17 (I can't possibly set my alarm for a time divisible by 5 - that would be WRONG). When the alarm went off, I felt ok - less tired than I'd thought I would be. It was pitch dark out, and everything was quiet. I grabbed some comfy clothes, put my hair in a pony tail, poured myself some water, and went into the living room, where I put on my new The Firm DVD and started to work out.
The video is 40 minutes long, and I can't make it through the whole thing yet, but I'm working on it. On Wednesday and this morning, I made it through about the first 25 minutes before deciding that my returns were diminishing - I was going to be sorry if I pushed myself much harder, and so I stopped. I was beet-red-faced, and even getting through the 25 minutes was a struggle. I can keep up with most of the steps, but not all of them (although I can tell that eventually, the steps will feel natural, after I've done it enough times). Still, I think I paused it three times so that I could get a drink of water without missing anything.
And even while I could feel my face getting hot, and my body was protesting, and a part of me didn't think I could do it - there was another part of me that knew that this was the right thing to do. This was good. I was proud of myself for getting up early and doing this, but more than that - more than the way I felt about the fact that I was exercising - the exercising itself made me happy.
By the time I stopped, it was still dark outside, and there was still no sound from Katie's room. I took a shower. The water felt good. I got out of the shower and started picking out clothes to get dressed. I looked at myself in the mirror, and I wasn't mad at my own bloated face. I was happy to see myself in there.
I had exercised. I had created time for myself. I had given myself more energy. I was proud of myself. And when Katie opened her bedroom door at a few minutes after 6, I got to feel happy to see her, instead of wishing that she'd just go back to sleep. I had enough time to let my hair air dry and then blow dry it (for just a minute). Katie and I ate whole wheat bagels and hard boiled eggs for breakfast. I left for work earlier than usual, and the 15-20 walk to the el train felt good, too, like it took less effort than usual to walk the same distance at the same speed. I noticed the sky (it was metallic gray and glowing).
THIS is what I need to remember, I kept thinking to myself. If I could really remember how good I felt this morning - because I am convinced that my near-euphoric mood was directly caused by my 25 minutes of exercise - then I wouldn't put exercise off for so long. I would be searching DESPERATELY for times when I could squeeze in exercise. Not for the possibility of weight loss. Not even for the healthier heart.
Just because damn. I felt good.