So I guess that's that.

I got a comment on my most recent entry that really upset me.  It was from an anonymous but longtime (which I believe, since she/he referred to a few facts/incidents that occurred over the past several years) reader.  I'm sure if you're out there, dear commenter, you'll assume that I'm upset because you were so right about me and the ways I'm failing myself and my family.  That's ok.  Add that assumption to all of your others!

I deleted the comment immediately, and the only reason I mention it is because it made me realize something: I don't want to share my life with people who don't like me and/or who I don't like.  When I first start keeping an online journal, the situation was different than it is now - writing (and reading) online was a way to reach out, to connect with other people who I'd never have met otherwise.  I am so grateful to have connected with those people, many of whom have become real friends.  But the blog universe is so vast now that while it can still be a good place to keep in touch with people I already know, it's no longer a place that's leading me to connect with new people. 

I know my weaknesses, and among them is an intense need ("need") to be liked and accepted.  I don't take criticism well, which is not to say that I don't think I do anything that's worthy of criticism (because oh, boy, I do), but by which I mean that even criticism from an anonymous stranger who thinks I'm not living my life the way I should really bothers me, even though I know that it shouldn't.  I could try to toughen up and learn to let that stuff roll off my back, and hopefully someday, I will indeed be better at doing that.  But for now, I think there's an easier answer: no more public personal blogging. 

I do plan to keep blogging, most likely in two places: 1) in a blog related to and affiliated with my photography website, and 2) in a private blog.  If you're a friend and/or longtime reader who'd like to keep reading what I write privately, please comment on this entry (and include your email address!) or email me at jessamyn dot north at gmail dot com.  I don't mind if you've never commented or emailed me before - you're still welcome.  I simply want people who would like to keep reading what I write about my life and my thoughts, not because it allows them to sit back and feel superior, but because something about me or my writing appeals to you.  Or something like that. 

See you on the other side, maybe.  Thanks.

Comments

[jaime]

I'm sorry that happened and I would like to tell you something. I read the exact post you're talking about on a day when I was very sad and distraught over many things (very, very similar things you are dealing with). Reading your post made me put things into perspective and I really felt like for once, I wasn't alone in what I'm going through. I could relate on some many levels and I feel guilty for clicking off and not commenting to tell you how much your writing touched my life and made my day better just knowing that (although I wish you weren't), someone else understood.

Please stop stop blogging. I'm a faithful reader, have been for a long time, and love you and your blog dearly.

[jaime]

Oops. The ending was supposed to read "please DON'T stop blogging."

[Emma]

I'm really sorry to hear of your experience with a nasty anonymous comment... criticism can be very hurtful especially when someone hides behind anonymity. I understand your reasoning for not wanting to be public; I came to the same conclusion myself years ago, and decided to restrict everything I post to people I know (even if they're people I've met online and don't know well). If you're going to be moving to LJ then I believe I am already on your list there :) If your plans are different then I do hope to follow you, because I've enjoyed reading your posts over the years.

[andrea]

It sucks when someone has to hide to say nasty things. I hope you know that you have lots of longtime readers who want the best for you. Would love to keep reading!

[Lara]

Ugh, bastards. I'd love to keep reading...I've been following you, your photography and lovely writing for many years.

[Julie]

I'm so sorry someone could be that cruel. You certainly don't deserve that kind of treatment for just putting your sorry out there to share. You are the brave one; that commenter is just a coward.

I, for one, love to read what you have to say, and I hope to read more as time goes on.

[Megan]

I'd also love to keep reading. You have a wonderful voice and a remarkable honesty. I feel like you're a friend!

[Auntie G]

I would love to keep reading. I'm not sure I have ever commented. I especially appreciated a recent entry about how devastating little life "things" can be when you're in a bad place, and how much easier it is to keep them in perspective otherwise. Thank you for sharing.

[Amy in MN]

I'm a long time reader and huge respecter of you and your family. Please keep writing and please keep me in the loop if you so wish. We are praying for you guys.

[Arden]

Oh, I'm so sorry that happened. And I'd love to keep reading whatever you choose to write.

[Kerry]

Aw, I'm sorry, Jessie. I hope you don't let that person's nasty comment bother you too much.

I'm so glad that you blogged because otherwise I never would have met you, and I consider you one of my dearest friends!

I love reading your stuff, no matter where you are writing. :)

[Christine]

I would love to keep reading your words... I'm another long-time reader and can't even remember how I first came across your blog, but after all this time I'm still thrilled when I see that you've posted a new entry. I absolutely love your writing, and as an amateur photographer, I've always enjoyed the photographs you've shared with us, too. I'm so sorry to hear about the hurtful comment you received; I know how bad it feels to have a part of you that you have chosen to share rejected or attacked, even by a stranger. At least know that there is someone out there online who feels differently!

[Lulu]

Mean people are horrible. You are such an honest soul and don't deserve to be slammed. Also one of the best writers and photographers on the web.

[Cathy]

Another longtime reader here - please take me with you!

[Lisa]

I have been reading before Katie was born! I missed you during your time off and would hate not to see how the story ends!

[Heather]

I would also love to keep reading, and I am sorry that you got drive-by assviced.

[Miz Robyn]

I'd like to keep following you, Jessamyn.

[Cindy]

The 'need' to be accepted and liked is something I struggle with too. I'd consider myself lucky to get to keep reading the journal of anyone who can do such an expert windsock man impersonation.

[Melody]

I have been reading your blog for several years--since Katie was a young toddler. One of the first posts of yours I remember very well was the one about a family member thinking that Katie needed to be on "diet" formula. I was beyond horrified by that!

I don't think I've ever commented before, although maybe I have once or twice. I'm sorry I haven't! (I'm shy, to be honest.)

I'm sorry you had such a negative experience, and I think your decision to take your writing private is completely reasonable. I would enjoy the opportunity to continue reading your writing.

[Elizabeth]

I would like to continue reading.

lizATmisswisabus.com

[Karen]

Another long time reader here who has been following you since well before Katie was born. My daughter was born a month after Katie and it was so good "comparing notes" with you! I love your writing and would really like to carry on reading. Thanks Jessamyn x

[jen]

I am really sorry to hear this. I would like to keep reading. I wish the best for you and your family.

[Starr Anderson]

I'm so sorry someone had to be an asshat. I don't understand why people feel it necessary to use internet anonymity as cover for bad behavior. I try not to say anything online that I couldn't say should I meet you in person - there's no excuse for being so rude and mean.

At any rate, I'd love to continue reading - I've enjoyed your writing and photography through the years and I'm so sad someone has pushed yet another great journaler/blogger to password protection through nastiness.

Take care!

[Jodie (aka Library-lil)]

I'd love to keep reading. I've lurked a lot but what you write resonates with me.

[Sara]

I'd love to stay with you, too, and I'm sorry this happened. I think you've handled some bigs up and downs in your life with grace and courage, and I hope you feel encouraged by the vast majority of your readers who support you in your journey.