I got a comment on my most recent entry that really upset me. It was from an anonymous but longtime (which I believe, since she/he referred to a few facts/incidents that occurred over the past several years) reader. I'm sure if you're out there, dear commenter, you'll assume that I'm upset because you were so right about me and the ways I'm failing myself and my family. That's ok. Add that assumption to all of your others!
I deleted the comment immediately, and the only reason I mention it is because it made me realize something: I don't want to share my life with people who don't like me and/or who I don't like. When I first start keeping an online journal, the situation was different than it is now - writing (and reading) online was a way to reach out, to connect with other people who I'd never have met otherwise. I am so grateful to have connected with those people, many of whom have become real friends. But the blog universe is so vast now that while it can still be a good place to keep in touch with people I already know, it's no longer a place that's leading me to connect with new people.
I know my weaknesses, and among them is an intense need ("need") to be liked and accepted. I don't take criticism well, which is not to say that I don't think I do anything that's worthy of criticism (because oh, boy, I do), but by which I mean that even criticism from an anonymous stranger who thinks I'm not living my life the way I should really bothers me, even though I know that it shouldn't. I could try to toughen up and learn to let that stuff roll off my back, and hopefully someday, I will indeed be better at doing that. But for now, I think there's an easier answer: no more public personal blogging.
I do plan to keep blogging, most likely in two places: 1) in a blog related to and affiliated with my photography website, and 2) in a private blog. If you're a friend and/or longtime reader who'd like to keep reading what I write privately, please comment on this entry (and include your email address!) or email me at jessamyn dot north at gmail dot com. I don't mind if you've never commented or emailed me before - you're still welcome. I simply want people who would like to keep reading what I write about my life and my thoughts, not because it allows them to sit back and feel superior, but because something about me or my writing appeals to you. Or something like that.
See you on the other side, maybe. Thanks.