guilty of all these things

i love this kid and her crazy hair

Originally uploaded by jessamyn.n.

So often, these days, the problem is guilt.  The problem is that I have such a hard time just enjoying the gift of each day.  When I sit down to think about it, I can see clearly that these seven months (and counting) of unemployment are a monstrously huge gift, one that I am now realizing I don't actually think that I deserve.

This time at home with my daughters while collecting unemployment benefits (if I weren't, I could not continue to stay home with them; either Geoff or I - or both - would have to take something, anything, that earned some money) is a gift.  During the school year, it means day after day of helping Katie get ready for school, having the option of hugging her goodbye while I'm still in my nightgown or bathrobe, while I'm getting breakfast ready for Annabel, after I've spent the morning helping her with her homework or reading her a book or making fried eggs or pancakes for breakfast, or taking her to school myself; then in the afternoon, either going to school to pick her up or being here waiting when she arrives home with Geoff.  During the summer, it meant days of beaches and walks and slow easy mornings.  All seven months, it means time at home with both girls.  Putting Annabel down for naps, feeding her meals, tickling her at 11 in the morning and reading her books at 2:30 in the afternoon.  And since Geoff's job is part-time and mostly only evenings and weekends, it means time with all four us together, or time with just one girl because Geoff is with the other one, or time to run an errand all by myself because there is another parent home with them. 

This life is good.  I spend a lot of time editing photos, planning photo sessions, trying to think of things I need to work on to pursue a photography business (an etsy shop, postcards, business cards, a Facebook fan page) and then working on them.  Now that Katie's in school, I have actually started to read some books, and occasionally a magazine.  The past few days I have been playing a little Guitar Hero.  A few months ago we started watching Dexter from the first episode, and now we're caught up to the current episode.  I am taking a five week online Mondo Beyondo course, and I can spend just about as much time as I want to on that.  We saw Matthew Ryan live at Schuba's recently, and we had a great time. There is almost nothing in any given day or night that I dread or even dislike intensely, which is a huge change from last year at this time.

The problems are twofold, really: fear of the future, when the unemployment benefits run out OR when I end up in a job that starts sucking the life out of me again (to be just a little overdramatic), and feeling guilty about being able to enjoy myself so much when so many other people have to struggle so hard to barely scrape by.  As to the first, well.  We'll figure that out when it's time.  We'll have to.  And as to the second, well.  If I want to feel guilty about having more than somebody else has, then I could be feeling guilty about just about everything, just about all the time, couldn't I? 

So that's today's update.  I'm trying to quash that guilt, because it just isn't doing anybody any good.  Trying to think of ways to focus the energy spent on worry and guilty into something more productive.  

And maybe just spend some time not thinking at all, if I can help it.  I mean, look at my girl up there.  More crazy free joy is probably what I need. 

Comments

[Jayne]

I've just been given a book that looks as though it could be helpful, and I suspect it may be one for you too. The title says it all: 'Women who think too much' by Dr. Susan Nolen-Hoeksema. I certainly recognised some of what you're saying above and yes, over-thinking and therefore feeling guilty about things is pointless and counterproductive. It's just stopping that's the problem.

[lisa]

Oh, you definitely deserve this time. My mother stayed home with my sister and me when we were little. My parents often struggled with money because of that, and eventually she did go back to work part time and then full time, but I spent a childhood in the company of my creative mother, which I am sure helped shaped the creative person I am today. You and your family will look back on this time in your life with great fondness I am sure!

Best of luck with everything!

[Joanne]

It seems to me that you worked in a soul sucking job for quite a while, right? You deserve this time, your family does, and it's a good thing, because no matter what, you have the time right now. Please don't feel guilty - I'm so happy for you and not a little bit jealous. Your girls are beautiful, and they seem much more pleasant than some people's girls that I know. Ahem. :)