can't see the wall for the surface of the brick

can't see the wall for the surface of the brick
Originally uploaded by jessamyn.n.

Seems like I could say something metaphorical here about how my life has been lately. I think the insanity of my job and the lack of sleep and the worry about money has given me a very shallow depth of field, most of the time. Only seeing bricks, not the whole wall. Only seeing trees, not the figurative forest. Only feeling the bumps, not appreciating the ride. Worse, I keep actually confusing the bumps with the ride, the trees with the forest, the bricks with the wall.

What I'm trying to say is that I keep confusing the parts of my life that are currently difficult for me with what's actually my whole life. I have had a tendency to talk about my life sucking, or about hating my life, even though really the sucking thing really only applies to a few things about my life, and even though that second part has never really been true. I hate an hour here, an hour there. Sometimes I hate almost a whole day. But even on those bad, bad days, there is still Annabel's fuzzy head and her quiet chuckles. There is my husband making me dinner and telling me he's proud of me. There is Katie giving me hugs and singing me songs. And sometimes, even, other random acts of kindness which feel more important than you might think they would: there is the man, offering me his seat on the el, for no reason that I can tell other than because maybe he looks at my face and thinks I look tired. There is the co-worker, telling me, "Don't ever let anybody tell you that you can't write."  (For the whole rest of the day, I felt grateful.)

Comments

[Joanne]

I find for sleep-deprivation related first year suckage, I have to keep in mind that it is just short periods of time that are really bad. Because there is such joy, too. It's all such a paradox right? Wanting them to sleep and then missing them when they sleep. I know that we will look back on this time and laugh/look fondly/insert cliche here but it is very hard to believe sometimes.

[Cindy]

Jessamyn, I have been reading your writings & looking at your pics since before Katie was born. I have only commented once, and really feel the need to say something this time. I can relate to what you're saying about your life. It is an almost daily struggle to appreciate all of my joys in spite of the (mostly financial) worries in my life. Thanks for posting about it. And as for the compliment the co-worker gave you - I couldn't agree more. You write with such a beautiful perspective. I love your 'voice'. And I think your pictures are beautiful, as well. After looking through your pics, I come away from it having felt deeply & thought deeply about something you've captured. Thanks so very much!

[charlotte]

Hon, the job thing will get better; so will the money thing--right now, you're viewing everything through the lens of not enough sleep, and that makes things appear worse than they are.

Can you take a day off from work, huddle up in a hotel (or on a friend's couch), and get a whole day's worth of snoozing and resting in, perhaps? I'd offer you my couch, but then, I'm in California, and that's probably a bit far to travel on the el.

[Gregg]

Anybody who tells you that you can't write...clearly can't read.

You rock.
Hang in there, Jessamyn.

(don't know if you remember me, but a long lonnng time ago, we sent a couple e-mails back and forth about obscure '80s songs. General Public, I think? It's been a while. But I've been reading.) :O)

[Amy]

I feel like you jumped into my skin or walked a mile in my shoes, whatever you want to call it.

You expressed what I've been trying to for the past week or so, just a whole lot more eloquently.

Here's to being conscious of perspective and appreciating what's good in life. And knowing that there are others out there who can relate.

[TB]

I hope this finds you well, Jessie. I hope you are settled into being a mother of two, getting plenty of rest and time for yourself and finding your way and that there are many, many more good hours/days/weeks than bad.