Bad week.

Bad week.
Originally uploaded by jessamynnorth.

The Thursday before last, somebody in our family got really depressed and made a suicide attempt. This past week, we found out that our friend from church, who has had breast cancer twice (the second time just last fall), has cancer again.

And this past Thursday we found out that the baby-to-be that had been growing inside me had died, a week or two before. On Friday evening I had a miscarriage.

I called and emailed people with the news, I dyed my hair red, I drank some fruity alcoholic beverages. I rested, I cried, I didn't go to work on Friday. We bought me a lovely opal bracelet and some earrings to go with it, and my friend Laurie sent me flowers. We went to a movie and rented a couple of movies. We had a very good friend keep Katie overnight. We told Katie that the little baby was gone; she keeps asking if the little baby is back, and tells me that she is sorry that I'm sad - she's sorry that the little baby is gone.

Today was the first day my eyes looked like my own eyes again, not swollen out of shape. I was glad to start to look like myself again, although it is what you think it is: I am still sad, and it is still hard, and I guess it will be for awhile yet. I'm a little scared and worried. But I am also ok.

I've been collecting virtual and long distance hugs and love and good thoughts. Any and all continued virtual hugs are extremely welcome and appreciated.

Comments

[Jackie Danicki]

Jessamyn, I am so, so sorry. I can only imagine what you are feeling, and it hurts too much to go there. I am sorry that you are there, and suffering. We've never met, but right now I would like nothing more than to give you a gigantic, warm, soft, strong hug. I will keep you, Geoff, and Katie in my prayers, but especially you.

[Jennifer]

Jessamyn, I have read your journal for a long time, but have never written. But I saw this post, and I couldn't not write something, however inadequate. I am so sorry for your loss. "Loss" is too small a word for what you're feeling. Take good and gentle care of yourself.

[Maria]

Jessamyn, I am so very sorry. May your love help to ease your sorrow. Take care of yourself. ((HUGS))

[Beth]

Wishing you and your family peace. I'm so sorry.

[casey]

Oh Jessamyn, I am so sorry.

[Naomi (Urban Mummy)]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Rebecca]

I just don't even know what to say except I am so very sorry for your family's loss. Keep the faith.

[Carrie]

Oh, no. Oh, Jessamyn. I'm so sorry. :-(

[Violet]

I am so sorry, Jessamyn. *hug* I'm sending a whole bunch of love in your direction.

[Dana]

I'm so sorry for your loss ((HUGS))

[Cindy]

Jessamyn, I am sorry for your loss. You & your precious family will be in my heart & my prayers.

[Christy]

I am SO sorry for your loss, thoughts and big hugs are here for you.

[Mary]

I've only posted once before, right after you and Katie had your car accident but I have been reading your journal since the beginning. When you first announced your pregnancy with Katie, my hubby and I were struggling with 13 years of infertility. By the grace of God, and oddly enough without medical intervention, we were finally blessed to conceive in Oct. of 03. It was and is our miracle. Our perfect little girl was born in June of 04. Watching Katie grow has paralleled our life with Lily. When I was pregnant, the doctors thought she had Down's. If fact, they offered to "terminate" on 3 separate occasions but we knew that God had issued this miracle and we had faith that no matter what, this was our one shot. Lily was born not only healthy but is a goofy child (We prayed for healthy and goofy :-)Three months ago, we found we were pregnant again - in spite of my age (41) and our fears of genetic issues, we were thrilled. A few weeks later, I saw your home pregnancy test and was delighted knowing how you too so dearly wanted another little one. I was thrilled for you. A month ago, we went to the doctor and found that the baby had stopped growing; a "blighted ovum." I almost fainted at the news. This morning I read your post and all the feeling I've had over the past few weeks rolled over me again. I am so very sorry for you and your beautiful family. I know your pain. I also know what a blessing Katie is to you and my blessing of Lily is what has sustained me through this pain. My prayers are with you. Hugs. Mary

[Nancy]

Jessamyn--I have been reading your journal for a long time but I have never posted a comment. You are in my thoughts and prayers during this hard time. Be good to yourself.

[Megan]

I've been reading you for a long time. I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that the faith you and Geoff share will help get you both through this sad time. Take care of one another.

[Megan]

Somehow my messsage is under the name "Nancy" and underneath my name it's blank. Not sure what happened there but you and Geoff are in my prayers. Take care. Megan

[Terri from Detroitus]

Jess ~
I read a lot of different online journals for a lot of different reasons, but I read your journal for one reason only. I like you. I am so sorry...

[Colleen]

Oh, I am so, so sorry.

[Joanne]

Oh Jessamyn, I am so so sorry. I had a miscarriage around this time last year, after having an easy pregnancy and baby the year before. It's so shocking and worrisome but I know you'll get through it and I imagine sweet Katie is a big comfort to you. I am keeping you and yours in my prayers. Hang in there.

[julia]

I am so sorry for your loss(es). I hope you feel better soon.

[Chris]

I've read your journal forever and know how much you were looking forward to the addition to your family. I am so so sorry.

[joy]

hugs to you and your family. i was so happy for you when i read you were pregnant again. luckily you are a strong women with lots of support. take extra care of yourself these days.

[Jenny]

Long time reader, first time caller, so to speak :)

That just sucks....there's no other way to say it. But you all are in my prayers and I will be sending positive thoughts your way.

And I'll share something that kind of helped me when I had the task of calling all of my friends to tell them our friend had died. Things don't get easier and it still makes you feel crappy. But I woke up the morning after I got the news and realized that that day I wouldn't have to find out. And that was a comfort. TODAY you aren't going to have to find out and I hope you can take some comfort in that. Hang in there :)

[Miz Robyn]

I'm thinking of you, Jessamyn. ::hugs::

[Connie]

I am so sorry. My sis just went through this 2 weeks ago. I don't know if you are ever prepared for it. Hugs...