One of the problems with unemployment (when you haven't chosen to be unemployed) is that you have a lot of time to worry. Lots of time to think about all of the things that can or will go wrong if and when you don't get a job in three months or six months, or if you come down with an illness or are in an accident, or if the condo or car needs a huge repair. There is lots of time to wonder in awe at where the years have gone, how you got to be almost 40, how it feels humbling to think about being 40 with no retirement savings and no job and too much debt and a home that's not your favorite. You have time to wonder whether your dreams of a new career are ridiculous, and whether you're fooling yourself.
But! It's been over 8 months now since I became officially unemployed (and over 10 months since the layoff was announced and I started my job search), and despite that, 2009 has been a much, much happier, more hopeful, year than 2008 was. I do not face each day with dread. I do not spend time every day feeling harassed by rules that change daily. I spend 99% of my time interacting with people I choose to be in touch with, rather than people I am forced to be polite to. I do not feel trapped. I see my children and my husband for most of every day. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out the best way to start a business that I'd love to do -- so much that the idea of that actually coming to fruition makes me a little bit giddy -- and I spend a lot of time dreaming and conspiring and plotting and planning and designing. And with two young children, I have not gotten bored. Now that Katie's in school, I don't even lose track of days. The days go quickly, and at the end of each day, I am tired and ready for bed, and each morning I get up and start the day without anywhere in particular to go.
It's not exactly what I thought it would be. I don't have time to do everything that I can think of doing. There are still not enough hours in each day, really. I haven't done a lot of reading, and I haven't finished the cross stitch stocking for Annabel that I've been working on for well over a year now. I haven't done a lot of writing, and the house isn't all organized and clean all the time. I don't do as much home cooking as I'd like, and I haven't (yet!) done enough work on my diet and my exercise routine to make the changes I'd like to make.
For some reason, for a few weeks right around the daylight savings time change, I had an especially difficult time feeling ok. That sounds kind of ridiculous, doesn't it? What I really mean is that I spent some time feeling very, very bad, much worse than I've felt probably the entire time I've been unemployed, and with no crisis or big event as the root of it. I think it was caused by a combination of things, but mostly it was that I got completely wrapped up in the worries about the future and the regrets about the past.
And then one day, on a day that I was feeling better but that wasn't in any significant way different from the days that had preceded it, I realized: there is nothing wrong with this day.
I have been saying that to myself pretty much every day since. Today is mine and Geoff's seventh anniversary, and so it's been extra nice, but also not that much different from every other day. Katie got up first, then me, then Annabel, then Geoff. I got breakfast for Katie and helped her get clothes for school, and then Geoff took her to school while I stayed home with Annabel. (Today, Geoff came home with flowers for me, an arrangement in our "wedding colors" of orange and pink.) We drank coffee in our pajamas, eventually got dressed, spent some time on the internet, put Annabel down for her nap. I edited some photos; Geoff worked on learning some songs on his electric guitar. I made butterscotch brownies to give to our babysitter tonight, and then Annabel woke up from her nap and we went out for lunch. Afterward, Geoff & Annabel came home and took naps, and I picked up Katie from school and then took her to the store with me. (Today, I came home with a sweater and some chocolates for Geoff. The sweater was wool, which is apparently a traditional 7th anniversary gift.) We've been cleaning up the place, doing laundry, doing dishes, picking up toys, playing music. Just now Katie started dancing with me in the living room, and I leaned my nose over to touch hers and said "I love you." She said "I love you, too," and then whispered, "Let's get married." I laughed, and she said, "not really," and I said that I knew. A few minutes later, all four of us were dancing in the kitchen, switching partners (Katie with me and Geoff with Annabel, then Geoff with me and Katie with Annabel, then Annabel with me and Geoff with Katie) and dipping each other and jumping around. Now our babysitter is here, and we're going to go out to dinner, and then come home and go to bed. It's been a nice day, but really, like I said, not too different from the usual day lately.
And you can see that it's true, right? There is nothing wrong with this day.
